Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Full House in a Minute

Thanks for all your suggestions, guys. I'm going to incorporate a lot of them into future posts. And as always, thanks for your kind words--I'm not BS-ing when I say you guys are a wonderful audience. (Er, readership?) With that in mind, snark on, MacDuff!

It's everyone's favorite TGIF show! More cutesy cute than Box Full o' Puppies. More nauseating than The Human Centipede. But you know you all loved it.

Jesse: "If I have to do this show, I'm not doing it with gentle good humor. I'm not changing diapers, shaving my mullet, or singing family friendly versions of Jumping Jack Flash while I unwind a Jack-in-the-Box."

Jeff Franklin: "Well, then you'll have to get a catch-phrase. Screw character development or acting prowess for making a character sympathetic--it's catch phrases all the way."

Jesse: "Have mercy. No, seriously. Have mercy on me. Don't make me sing another rock version of Farmer in the Dell..."

Joey: "You won't regret this! I'll live in the alcove. I'll live in the garage. I'll live wherever you want me to go--just don't abandon me."

Jesse: "I kind of feel like embracing my Greek heritage. Let's celebrate my roots tastefully."

Papouli: "Oopa!"

Michelle: "You got it, dude!"

Stephanie: "How rude! I wasn't done being the cute one."

Danny: "Aw, Steph. You know we'll always love you, even if you aren't cute or precocious anymore. And even if you did wreck the kitchen without spouting off an adorable catch phrase like I'm in big trouble, Mister."

Michelle: "Daddy, Uncle Jesse, Joey! I sent Mr. Bear to Abu Dhabi and drowned my pet fish having a tea party and scalded Dave the class bird in the shower."

Joey: "She's the cutest lil animal abuser since Ted Bundy was in knee socks."

Jesse: "Let's buy her a pony."

D.J.: "Dad, I hate the way I look! I wanna starve myself till I look like Aunt Becky or one of the models you and Joey were ogling at the gym."

Danny: "Well, the swelling violins are gonna wrap up in two minutes, so accept your Charlie Brown cheeks or zip it."

D.J.: "You know, I suddenly feel feel at peace, like when Kirk pipes in the Left Behind audio tapes into my room at night."

Jeff Franklin: "Glad to hear that you're resisting the pressure to diet excessively like so many girls in the industry. Oh, here's an exercise bike. I don't want to see you off it unless it's to complain about teen drinking."

Becky: "Hi everyone. I was thinking of dating a semi employed man-child. Joey? No, psych. Hi, Jesse."

Jesse: "Have mercy! You're gainfully employed and willing to support my part-time music career, you can defuse my occasional chauvinism with a nonthreatening humorous remark, you're hot, you've got my most favorite woman's first name ever, you're willing to do the Priscilla look in bed...the only way you could be better is if your last name was the same as my favorite brand of lettuce. Let's get married."

Michelle: "Uncle Jesse! Sing the Teddy Bear song!"

Jesse: "Uh, Becky, do you think you could also move into a windowless attic?"

Becky: "Are you serious?"

Michelle: "Uncle Jesse! Or we'll bring back the mullet. We have a production credit so we can do that now."

Jesse: "...Yeah."

Fat Fish Records: "I love your voice, Jesse, and I want to sign a record label with you. Believe me: I know music. The only problem is you're so great, I don't know who I'll be able to top you with. Ooh, anyone know the Countess de Lesseps' number?"

Jesse: "My own music video. Hmm. What video cliches should I feature? Outdated animation? Morphing? Alicia Silverstone? No, my pale bone white twins."

Michelle: "Uncle Jesse! You haven't called me Munchkin or blown raspberries on my tummy! Am I losing my cuteness?"

Jesse: "Sorry, Michelle. My inexplicably fair skinned, blonde haired twins are the cute ones now. You understand that it's someone else's time in the hair and makeup chair of life now, right?"

Michelle: "I understand. I understand that my mom's dead and no one loves my tearstained little troll face."

Jesse: "Oh, so what if the boys grow up to be spoiled motorcylists or chess club managing, cornstarch loving mama's boys--c'mon, Michelle!"

Stephanie: "Uh, Dad? I'm feeling pressure to smoke and--

Danny: "Sorry, sweetie, no time. Here, have a Nicorette patch. I've got a double date with your sister, Teddy, and Vicky tonight, and Michelle stuck out her lower lip at ALL my ties."

Stephanie: "Joey, I just got invited to a make out party. Should I--"

Joey: "I wish I could take your invite, but I'm reglueing the dinosaur Michelle wrecked. Wanna practice on Mr. Woodchuck?"

Steve: "Hey Deej. Wanna engage in some PG-13 related scrapes? Some light petting?"

Kimmy: "Or drinking?"

D.J.: "Do I look like the average teen? I'm sixteen and I have a 40 year old suburban mom-cut."

Stephanie: "Uncle Jesse? My friend Gia and I are thinking of going joyriding with some older kids we barely know..."

Jesse: "Steph? Where is this coming from--wait, joyriding? Sorry, get lost until you can produce an abused or anorexic friend."

Stephanie: "But Uncle Jesse--"

Jesse: "Not now, I'm waiting to hear back from Carnie Wilson. Hello? Carnie? If you can sneak out another of your dad's B-sides for me to cover, I'll take you on a west coast burger tour--In 'n Out, Phatburger, Whataburger. Carnie? Carnie?"

Lou Bond: "I'd like to buy this shack because of the memories. I'll pay enough for you to all get houses of your own."

Michelle: "Uncle Jesse can't live more than twenty feet from my bed. Daddy, if you sell this house, I'll hold my breath until I stop looking like a troll doll!"

Papouli: "This house is perfect place to die!"

Jeff Franklin: "Guys, we've only got one more season. Make other plans."

Joey: "The producer of Muppet Babies called. They're letting me upgrade from Animal to Kermit!"

Lifetime Movies: "Hello, Lori Loughlin? Now that Meredith Baxter Birney's lost her looks, we need a new TV mom for our martyr roles."

Danny: "Now to see if I can put my my finely honed role as America's hokiest sitcom patriarch to good use: seducing comediennes with daddy issues. Anyone know how to get a hold of Sarah Silverman?"

Sadako: "I know, I know. I'm neglecting the real success story that came out of this show."

1fh28.jpg michelle and comet picture by mkaforever2008
Comet: "My agent just called! I beat out the dogs from Frasier and Beethoven to get Air Bud!"