Monday, May 17, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Empire Records

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Sadako: "Welcome to Empire Records, or as I like to refer to it, One Day in the Life of Several Self Absorbed Hipsters."

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Woman: "Excuse me, excuse me. I need to buy this CD--

Lucas: "We have it on vinyl. It sounds way better."

Woman: "Er, then why do you sell it on CD?"

Lucas: "To snicker at people who don't know any better. Hey, we've only got a few more years till iTunes shuts us down for good so we takes our pleasures where we can."

Woman: "Thanks."

Lucas: "Hmm. My employer has given me the chance to close up the record store for the night. So I'm going to quote Jim Morrison and then try to double his earnings in Atlantic City to buy back the store from the evil corporation that's going to make us stop being indie. Oops. I lost it all. I wonder if I'll be held responsible."

Sadako: "If you are, don't worry about it--I picked you up some applications for Championship Vinyl and Quick Stop."

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A.J.: "Hey, I'm the floppy haired artist. Like Shawn Hunter except I paint. I'm going to tell my friend Corey that I love her today. Why? Because she's the smart hot girl, not the suicidal death camp survivor or the slut/singer/record store worker. It's kind of a default thing."

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Mark: "I'm the annoying semi articulate metal head man-child. I have no plotline. I'm something of a mascot that functions as comic relief."



Corey: "I'm the Type-A Harvard bound bundle of nerves. I'm going to offer myself to washed up singer Rex Manning today in between coming up with witty insults for the losers buying music in our store! I even made cupcakes since it's REX MANNING DAY."

Gina: "God, you're a nerd--when did you have time to make these?"

Corey: "Old Man Meth says there's over 24 usable hours in every day."

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Gina: "Oh, hi there, I'm the liberated slut who secretly wants to sing."

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Joe: "Okay, I manage this store. Where's the money that should have been deposited?"

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Lucas: "In Atlantic City. Recirculating."

Joe: "Oh. I'm going to cover for you since being a good businessman is filmspeak for evil. So you get a time out on the couch."

Sadako: "If only Bernie Madoff had worn a black turtleneck and spoken hipster lingo."

Deb: "Shaved off my hair, bitches."

Lucas: "Deb, you had hair when you went in there, right?"

A.J. "Wait, a bandage on your wrist? Did you try to kill yourself?"

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Deb: "Well, how else am I supposed to convey I HAVE ISSUES? Anorexia's the domain of Type-A Corey, bragging about what a slut I am was taken, and the producers nixed heroin. Cutting myself in conspicuous places is the only thing I have left."

Lucas: "It's okay. She's fine. She's amazing. She's in the store picking up marketable skills like how to eviscerate a Little Mermaid soundtrack buying, twinset wearing mom with just one withering look."

Joe: "We're turning into a Music Town. I finally had enough money to make Mitch, the guy who owns us, an offer. But Lucas gambled away the money and now we're selling out."

Lucas: "Damn the man! Save the Empire! Screw hard work and effort! Up with feel good soundbites! "

Deb: "Music Town? We're going to have to be polite to the customers?"

Gina: "And cover our cute navels?"

Lucas: "Whoa. Shoplifter!"

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A.J.: "Let's get a mug shot."

Warren: "Fuck you!"

Sadako: "Wow, you can add stealing to attempting to rape Dawn Weiner on your rap sheet, son."

Joe: "Just add him to the collection. Or arrest him, or something."



Berko: "Whoa. Are you okay, Deb? Do you want to...talk about it?"

Deb: "It's not about you. I just got home and thought of everything that was making me feel shitty and then I realized a tattoo or a safety pin piercing or even a bruise from your drunk dad might cut it as a screwed up kid accessory back in the day. But you need a self imposed burn or cut in the 90s to outdo John Bender."

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Rex Manning: "Enough with the angst--I want my bottled water before I sign autographs for aging moms. And it's 1995 so asking for bottled water really does make me spoiled. Saratoga Spring Water or nothing."

Joe: "Hi Deb."

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Deb: "Just doing the quarterly income tax reports."

Joe: "Hmm...all the self-harm, do you want me to get you a Suicide Girls photo shoot or call your mom or something?"

Debra: "If you see my mother, let me know, I'd like to talk to her."

Joe: "Er. Just the photo shoot then. You're doing a heck of a job there, Deb."

Sadako: "Note to self. When running a business, don't hire accountants or illegals--just go straight to the underage inmates of Girl, Interrupted."

Corey: "Joe? I'm taking Rex his lunch now."

Joe: "Berko's doing that."

Corey: "Joe, I'M POPPING MY CHERRY NOW. Kay, bye!"

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Corey: "I used to love you on the Family Way, Mr. Manning. So...um...would you um...go to bed with me?"

Rex: *unzip* "Okay, kid. Hope you like the taste of blue cheese."

Corey: "Uh. Where are the unicorns and candles and strategically placed roses?! I have to go now. Bye."

A.J.: "Corey! There you are. I love you and your adorably unisexed name."

Corey: "Not now, A.J. I just threw myself at an aging rock star."

A.J. "Wow. And I thought Gina had daddy issues."

Corey: "Let's just be friends. I mean, I'm so beautiful and alluring I'm kind of doing you a favor just letting you exist near me."

Gina: "Corey, don't worry, it's okay. We'll get you another guy."



Corey: "I don't want another guy. I'm not like you. I don't throw myself at men--I'm just supposed to toss my hair while they confess they've been in love with me since five minutes before they met me, not offer me knee pads for performing oral."

Gina: "Did you go off and act all perfect, Corey? You think guys LIKE you for that?"

Corey: "At least I don't go do it with Scientology trolls who go off and laugh at me. I'm a nice, respectable girl."

Sadako: "Liv, I'm not going to call you a hypocrite, but I am going to place this copy of Aerosmith's Crazy video on the table, and I'm just going to call it Exhibit A, kay?"

Gina: "I can't believe she thinks I'm a slut. I'll show her who's the slut--now where's the nearest thing with a dick?"



Rex: "How you doing?"

Gina: "I've always been able to guess what kind of underwear guys are wearing. I bet you're wearing a cum encrusted leopard thong."



Sadako: "Photocopier sex!"

Joe: "Gina, maybe you'd better go home."

Gina: "Am I fired?"

Joe: "No, have I fired anyone today? It might be best if you went home and hosed off, though."

Corey: "So that's how your life's going to be? You're going to screw every has-been till your tits fall down and they don't want you anymore?"

Sadako: "Corey, hon, I think you need an anatomy lesson."

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Gina: "At least I don't hide what I am. At least I'm not some closet SPEED FREAK! Here's one for your perfect little face! And your perfect body! And your PERFECT life!"

Sadako: "Oh, Renee, you're past only dogs can hear you and well on your way to Joey Lauren Adams territory."

Joe: "It'll be fine, Corey, really."

Corey: "No, it's not FINE! Nothing's ever fine, Joe! I just ran out of speed and now I have to out scenery chew her, IT'S NEVER FINE!"

Deb: "Let me take care of her, Joe."

Joe: "It'll give me time to pace nervously and run my hands through my hair."



Deb: "Hey, it's okay, Corey. We all have problems. If you didn't have a socially relevant problem, Joe wouldn't sign your paychecks."

All: "Let's have a mock funeral for Deb."

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Sadako: "Was buying her a Steven Levenkron book too expensive?"

Corey: "Maybe it's just the paint thinner I huffed as a downer, but I miss Gina. She's brave. She's not afraid to be who she wants to be. She's taken like eight HIV tests this year and never cried once."

Gina: "I'm back. And I'm not brave. I want to be a singer, but I'm afraid to because it's such a cliched and boring aspiration."

Sadako: "Go with that feeling."

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Warren: "I'm back and I'm gonna shoot you guys up!"

Deb: "I got this one, too. Warren, give me the gun. I'm not afraid of you. You're not going to shoot me. This movie takes place like four years before Columbine stopped just being a word for a flower."

Lucas: "Joe, I think he needs to become a vacuous hipster, too."

Joe: "Here's your employee ID, Warren. Look us up when you get out of jail. Well. What are we gonna do about the store?"

A.J.: "I've got a quarter I didn't glue down when I was doing my art project."

Deb: "I've got a dime."

Mark: "Hey, hey--look, news camera. Excuse me, we're having a party tonight, to raise money to save Empire Records. Everyone come by tonight, it's gonna be awesome!"

Joe: "Uh, we're going to need a permit to serve beer in the street."

Lucas: "No, we won't, Joe, we're the good guys."

Sadako: "Where did the beer and brownies and music and smelly counterculturals come from?"

Lucas: "It doesn't have to make sense--it's a party."

Berko: "Go on, take the lead, Gina. You can do it."

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Gina: "SUGAR HIGH!"

Sadako: "So that's how Chicago happened with Bridget Jones's off beat caterwauling and not Ann Reinking."



Evil Mitch: "Ugh, I thought I wanted this place, but I don't. It's...full of scenesters and love and angst, and I can't work a cash register. I'm selling it to you for cheap, Joe."



Joe: "Hear that, hipsters? You don't have to polite to the paying clientele!"



A.J.: "Hello, Corey."

Corey: "LISTEN TO ME! I'm gonna make this fast because the uppers are gonna wear off, but you are SMART and SO TALENTED and if you don't realize how awesome and great and original your art projects like gluing quarters to the floor of a dirty record store are, then you know nothing! And I do love you, I just didn't realize it was love and I'll never love anyone as much as I love you except for Old Man Meth."

A.J.: "I quit the record store. I'm going to art school. In Boston so I can be near you and your Jessi Spano esque freak outs."

Corey: "Kiss me, you fool!"

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Everyone: "Dancing!"

In other news, you guys should totally check out my friend ali's contest. You can win an I Love New York t-shirt. Convince someone you're a tourist! Or just pretend to be a hipster. Either way, enter!