Thursday, September 30, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Mean Girls

Producer: "I'm thinking we need to fill this generation's void for a bitchy adolescent girl movie. The viciousness of Heathers plus the copious consumption of Cluelessness. Tina, I'm going to leave it to you and your writing team to come up with a great title. Something like, Girls Are Mean."

Tina Fey: "So...we're all cool with Mean Girls?"

Cady: "Hi, I'm from Africa. I'm pretty but nonthreatening."

Janis: "I'm Janis Ian, and this is Damian, the Rickie Vasquez to my Rayanne Graff. He hangs with me because Glee hasn't yet established that gay kids with a flair for the dramatic can do things beside mope and be generally angsty."

Cady: "Hey."

Janis: "This is perfect! You can infiltrate the Plastics and take revenge on Regina George!"

Cady: "I don't know..."

Janis: "Look, we're teen girls. We don't have a lot of options. It's either that or a She's All That-esque makeover if you actually want people to actually see this film."

Regina: "You're really pretty."

Cady: "Thanks."

Regina: "So you agree? You think you're really pretty?"

Cady: "Well, people do call me the Marilyn Monroe of my generation, but I don't want to brag...I'm more of the 00s answer to Jayne Mansfield."

Regina: "Want to join our group? We have no sense of irony so we basically modeled our lives and personalities on the Fashion Club from Daria. We wear tank tops no more than one day a week and jeans and sweatpants are for Fridays only. I'm the Sandy of the group, that's Gretchen Wieners, my little punching bag. Here's Karen, who gives the term pretty vacant new meaning. We were looking for an opening for a Quinn Morgandorffer esque character."

Gretchen: "Ugh, I hate my thighs."

Karen: "My hips are huge."

Cady: I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there are a lot of other things that can be wrong with your body.

Sadako: "Like nail beds that spontaneously generate profanity when you're in court?"

Janis: "So, dish."

Cady: "They have this book called the Burn Book where they make fun of everyone in school."

Janis: "What'd they say about me?"

Cady: "Oh, um...uh...You're not in it."

Janis: "Those bitches."

Oscar Wilde: "The only thing worse than being burned about is not being burned about."

Cady: In the regular world, Halloween is where little kids dress up and beg for candy. In Girl World, it's the one time when a girl can dress like a sexy Finding Nemo fish or a slutty bumblebee and no one else can say anything about it.

Regina: "So you like Aaron? I'll totally make it easier for you to get with him."

Cady: "Really?"

Regina: "So sorry. My boyfriend now. I think Jason's still available, though."

Jason: "You wanna be my plus one for the Midnight Society gala tonight?"

Cady: "I hate her!"

Janis: "Come on. Let's start Operation Make Regina Fat and Unloved."

Cady: "Have a weight loss bar."

Regina: "Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! And stop taking credit for totes and O RLY!"

Gretchen: "Grrrr. Did you know that's not her real nose? She went to the same plastic surgeon as Cokie Mason's. And I'm not allowed to get collagen on the same days she does. Oh, and she cheats on Aaron with Shane Oman."

Cady: "Larry Summers was right--I can't do math. Aaron, will you help tutor me?"

Aaron: "Okay. What'd you get for number two?"

Cady: "Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!"

Ms. Norbury: "Cady, you don't have to dumb yourself down to get guys to like you, you know."

Sadako: "As long as you're self deprecating about your intelligence and any deviance you have from the size two Hollywood physical ideal."

Ms. Norbury: "I'm a pusher, Cady. I pushed my ex husband to go to law school, I push myself in three jobs, I pushed Jimmy Fallon to get past his impediment of laughing through even the most tedious jokes to become a Weekend Update anchor, and I'm going to push you because I know you're smarter than this."

Janis: "Why didn't you invite me to your party, Cady?"

Cady: "Um...yeah...are you in love with me or something?"

Janis: "Sob. I learned the truth at seventeen. Nothing but liquid evil comes out of beauty queens. That's the problem with you Plastics--you think everyone's so in love with you. I have better things to do than be obsessed with you--like outgothing Faruiza Balk."

Regina: "Cady tried to get me to gain weight?! Oh, and she was never really my friend? That bitch. Mr. Duvall! Look what I found! It's a book saying mean things about everyone in school!"

Mr. Duvall: "Girls, let's deal with this burn book. Does anyone have a lady problem?"

Sadako: "No, but I have a how you say...ah yes, query if Antonio Banderas is available."

Ms. Norbury: "You have got to stop calling yourselves sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores, and there's nothing more important than what a man thinks of you!"

Cady: "I'm Spartacus. I mean, I did it. I'm going to take credit for the Burn Book."

Ms. Norbury: "Cady, you're a mathlete now."

Cady: "What?! Why?"

Lindsay Weir: "Because that's what you do to atone when you're a good girl who strays from the flock."

Ms. Norbury: "And it's the only way you'll pass calculus and rectify the sexist stereotyping you've done."

Mathletes Announcer: "Next, we'll have Miss Caroline Krafft against Miss Cady Heron."

Cady: "Miss Caroline Krafft seriously needed to pluck her eyebrows and her outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday School teacher. And that's when I learned the truth. Calling someone else won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid won't make you any smarter. And calling the girl on the math team we were competing against a bushy browed snaggle toothed fashion victim wouldn't stop her from beating me in this contest."

Sadako: "Though apparently it is a good stress buster."

Mr. Duvall: "The votes are in--Cady Heron is Spring Fling Queen!"

Cady: "You guys are all awesome, and I want to give all of you a piece of the never ending spring fling queen crown. Here's a piece for you, Gretchen, and one for you, Janis. And one for you, Glen Coco, for being the most awesomely named character in the movie."

Carrie Prejean: "Loser."

Rima Fakih: "You're supposed to use the title of beauty queen to spout off bigotry against minorities, tool."

Cady: "There. Doesn't a tiny piece of plastic make up for the body image issues and anxiety disorders my clique and I contributed to you having?"