Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Cruel Intentions

This is the part where I confess that I was a bad kid of the late 90s. I turned up my nose at crap like Cruel Intentions. I didn't see it till about seven years later in college when I took a French lit course where among other things we studied the novel Dangerous Liaisons and watched a few scenes from some of the film versions of it.

And yes, I did end up writing my term paper on, among other things, Cruel Intentions. A movie written in English based upon a play written in English based upon a French novel. (Don't even get me started about the day we watched Carmen: A Hip Hopera when we studied the novella by Mérimée.) To quote education! You can't beat it.

So, reminisce. It's 1999. Prince's song is just now becoming obsolete. Placebo is relevant. And Dawson and Buffy rule the WB with iron fists.

Psychiatrist: "And remember, Sebastian. I'm listening."

Sebastian: "You have beautiful legs. I'd love to photograph them."

Dr. Melfi: "Mine are hotter."

Psychiatrist: "Excuse me. A parent's work is never done!"

Daughter: "Mom, I didn't listen to James Lipton, and now there's pictures of me on the Internet!"

Sebastian: "Look what a rakish cad I am. Playing games with the psychiatrist's daughter. Ah. Debauchery."

Sadako: "Getting Tara Reid to take her clothes off? That's not exactly the 'Jump Springfield Gorge' of great sexual feats."

Sebastian: "Oh yeah? Well, I also ripped out a page from a magazine in the therapist's waiting area."

Dr. Melfi: "SOCIOPATH!"

Kathryn: "As student body president, I try to set an example. I'm sure Cecile will do fine at Manchester, under my wing of course. MAU! DIDIMAU!"

Cecile: "What'd you say?"

Kathryn: "I was thanking her. Vietnamese is such a beautiful language, don't you think?"

Sadako: "Well, that settles it. No one who speaks Vietnamese could possibly be evil."

Mrs. Caldwell: "I'm sure my daughter will do well to follow your example. I just don't know how someone like you could have a stepbrother like Sebastian Valmont. What he did to the school nurse..."

Sebastian: "Ah, that's me. Sebastian Valmont! Man about town!"

Kathryn: "Sebastian, I have a proposition for you. You remember Court Reynolds, my former beau? He's now interested in Cecile Caldwell. Court's a virgin hound. I want to corrupt Cecile so that she's the premiere tramp of the New York area. Turns out that Court, in addition to being an asshole, is a forty year old man with a midlife crisis."

Sadako: "Making your former boyfriend's new flame into a slut? Are you also going to break into his house and store priceless art, Professor Chaos?"

Kathryn: "Be her Captain Picard, Sebastian. Boldly go where no man has gone before."

Sadako: "Andrea Dworkin's drawers?"

Sebastian: "No, seducing a young virgin is too easy. My plan is to seduce a slightly older virgin. Look, it's an article about the new headmaster's daughter in Seventeen who's waiting till marriage. I'm going to seduce this Anette Hardgrove. I can use the free Tampax pearl that came with the magazine to arouse her interest."

Kathryn: "Fine, let's make a wager. If I win, I get your vintage car. If you win, you get butt sex with Buffy."

Sadako: "If you win, you get an awesome antique car and if you lose you get to have sex with Ryan Phillippe. Heads I win, tails you lose?"

Sebastian: "Well, I'm off to seduce the virgin. She's conveniently staying at my aunt's house."

Sebastian: "I read your manifesto, and I was appalled."

Annette: "Really? Most people praise me for it."

Sebastian: "It insisted upon itself. know, it did. It insisted upon itself!"

Annette: "I wouldn't expect someone of your reputation to understand."

Sebastian: "Ah, yes. What an immoral cad I--What?! Who's told you I'm no good? WHO?!"

Sadako: "Someone who reads the script and doesn't need someone off-screen feeding her lines, like you and the rest of the Mickey Mouse club on the set of I Know What You Did Last Summer."

Kathryn: "Hey there, just showing up at your apartment unannounced with my POW camp servant in tow, to lurk menacingly for the benefit of the audience who might still think I'm fighting for truth, justice, and a vampire free lifestyle."

Cecile: "This is my music teacher, Ronald. He's dreamy."

Ronald: "I'm working on an opera on Dr. Martin Luther King. You know, because I'm black, and it's my only real character trait, and I need to remind the audience of that fact as often as possible."

Jessi Ramsey: "My brother, I feel you."

Sebastian: "Who? Who could have figured out that I'm no good. Who's reading the script?"

Blaine: "Why, it must be that debauched ne'er-do-well, Greg McConnell, star of the football team who's secretly gay and whom I'm secretly shtupping. He and Annette are both from Kansas. Why not sneak into my house tonight and catch him in the act of gay sex as revenge?"

Sebastian: "Shall we say the...stroke of midnight? God, I'm witty."

Sebastian: "Freeze, nobody move. Well, your secret's out. Aren't I just too much? And I ripped off your car's bumper sticker! Well, on to business. You told Annette about my bad reputation!"

Greg: "No, I promise I didn't! Please don't tell my dad. If he finds out, I'll never inherit Mode, even now that my brother is a she-male."

Sebastian: "I'm going to believe you. But you better find out who did it! How could anyone know what a badass I am? I've gone out of my way to keep my bad reputation a secret, you know."

Mrs. Caldwell: "It was me, little boy. Okay? I'm the only one who read the script."

Sebastian: "Aha! Revenge on Mrs. Caldwell! I'll get her! And her little daughter, too."

Kathryn: "Time for a makeout session!"

Cecile: "Wait, why?"

Sadako: "Because they just wrote in Pacey Witter, blonder and gayer, and now they need something to make the straight guys feel like this was worth it."

Sebastian: "Okay, sleep with me? Please? I'll introduce you to Jennifer Love Hewitt. And her breasts. They're real. And they're fabulous."

Annette: "No."

Kathryn: "Mrs. Caldwell? Your daughter's been dipping into your supply of dark chocolate."

Mrs. Caldwell: "How dare he seduce my daughter. Wait, I think I was a little off, Roger, I can smolder a bit more--"

Director Roger Kumble: "That's fine, Christine. Go join Swoozie Kurtz in the trailer--I had prunes brought in for a Matlock-a-thon. OK, on to the young, supple makeout sessions."

Kathryn: "Perfect. Plan in motion. Cecile will fall right into Ronald's arms now that he's even more forbidden. And in addition, Sebastian, you can also get Cecile over to our house under the guise of letter writing and then fuck her brains out."

Sebastian: "You know, you could be a model."

Cecile: "Really?"

Sebastian: "It's too bad you're"

Cecile: "I can be sexy!"

Mystery: "Good one. The negging is strong in this one."

Sebastian: "Cecile. I just want to give you a kiss."

Cecile: "You do?"

Sebastian: "Not there. I want to give you a kiss on your bearded clam. I really am a cunning linguist, aren't I? Ooh, good one. Note to self, remember to write that zinger down in journal."

Cecile: "Your brother took advantage of me."

Kathryn: "He forced intercourse on you? He made you give him a blow job?"

Cecile: "Well, no, he...with the licking and tongue and the GLAVIN!"

Kathryn: "Silly child, rape is for icky sorts. Caddish rakes like my brother or our family friend Chuck Bass are just members of the William Kennedy Smith fan club. Now go have sex with him."

Aunt Helen: "Kids, I've got theater tickets. Off to the nursing home with you to do a good deed or two."

Sebastian: "Old lady, we played backgammon three times, and you won. Now don't bother me, I'm plotting."

Oldie: "Now, now, if you're not nice, I'm not gonna let you stay up to watch Howdy Doody!"

Sebastian: "So, I've noticed you around...would you, um...go to bed with me? Come on. You know you want to. Please? I was nice to an old person. Isn't that like foreplay to you do gooder types?"

Annette: "No thanks."

Sebastian: "Oh, you're mean! Well. I just wanted to tell you I'm going. I may go to the South of France. I may stick a cherry bomb in someone's mailbox. I may even use my slingshot on Mr. Wilson. I'm a complicated soul."

Annette: "I see."

Sebastian: "Oh, come on, pleeeaaase? I'll be your best friend. I'll explain why I have a strange bump on my head in certain shots."

Annette: "Well, OK--

Sebastian: "Psych! Haha."

Roger Kumble: "Shut up! Your motivation's supposed to be tormented and confused!"

Sebastian: "I mean, uh...Damn. Get it together, you pussy. Wow, this is a really good skin day for me. OK, seriously, this time, I mean it. I'm ready."

Sebastian: "Awesome. I bedded Annette, bought some super durable condoms for the anal sex, and I'm ready to do my sister."

Kathryn: *giggle*

Sebastian: "What the? Great. You want me to have sex with you after you've done it with Shaft? No way. This is not a dick measuring contest. Forget it. I'd rather moon around after Annette."

Kathryn: "Sebastian, you don't love me anymore."

Sebastian: "Sure I do. Our relationship is just more Boxcar children and less Josh and Cher in Clueless."

Kathryn: "Fine, but you know your bad reputation will suffer if you keep dating this Annette chick."

Christine Baranski: "Oh, you mean the reputation no one but me was aware of so far?"

Sadako: "Hey, I was about to say--what are you doing here?"

Christine Baranski: "My scenes are over. There's really nothing else for me to do but tally the amount of money they paid me for this thing, make sure I'm the 'and' actress in the credits, and mock these children mercilessly."

Sadako: "Sweet. Have a seat on the orange snark couch. Want a Mrs. Freshley's cupcake?"

Sebastian: "I don't give a damn about my bad reputation! No, no, I do. Fine. I'm breaking up with you! Because...I'm really fucked up. And there's another girl whom you don't compare to. And your pussy smells like bacon."

Annette: "Stop it! Get OUT! I can chew scenery louder than you! GET OUT!"

Sebastian: "Okay, I broke it off with her. Sex now?"

Kathryn: "You're just a toy that I play with, Sebastian. So get out of here because I don't fuck losers."

Sebastian: "Dammit. No Buffy sex. I wonder if Annette still wants to--Oh. Right. Wait, I know! To give her my journal which exposes the truth about the bet. That'll work."

Annette: "I've got to find Sebastian now that I've read this. We've known each other all summer and he thinks Annette is spelled with a six?"

Sadako: "Ah, that one Central Park corner with the vortex that draws everyone to it, no matter where they live."

Annette: "Sebastian!"

Ronald: "Sebastian! Kathryn just told me everything. You fucked Cecile?"

Sebastian: "You don't know the whole story! I mean...there was a did it!"

Ronald: "Fisticuffs!"

Annette: "No! Aah!"

Sebastian: "Annette, get out of the way--Ouch. Redemption hurts."

Sadako: "Death by yellow taxi cab. Only in New York."

Weeks later.

Kathryn: "I'd just like to say--NO! Sebastian's diary?!"

Sebastian: "It's a JOURNAL--er, I mean...right, dead."

Headmaster: "You engaged in a bet to ruin students' reputations? You manipulated two young girls? You're doing coke? And you forgot to ask your rich mother for a donation this year?! You're out."

Kathryn: "But HE did it, too! And committed statutory rape, and...and--."

Headmaster: "But he's dead. And he apologized."

Lovestruck Girl #1: "And he's soooo cute, but debauched. I bet I could have tamed him!

Lovestruck Girl #2: "I'm saving myself for you till we're both in Heaven, Sebastian!"

Monday, March 29, 2010

Babysitters Club Redux: Their Bad Romance

Romantically speaking, the BSC girls get around. From cute New York artists to controlling Southern gentlemen to Juilliard bound ballet dancers and everything in between, they've had more action at thirteen than I've had as a twentysomething. But who will they end up with as adults? Let's take a look.


I foresee Elin Nordegren getting fed up with anything with a y chromosome and seeking out the fairer sex. Who will she turn to? Kristy, the world's first softball playing, baby collecting CEO who coaches blernsball to mentally handicapped robots on the side. Of course, you just know Kristy will invite MA over one too many times and then we'll see the Pink Clinker with a golf club embedded in its side.


Like so many artistic types, Claudia's going to have a long series of lovers. She'll carry on a bisexual affair with Lady G while designing her Kermit the frog suit, and then brag to everyone who will listen that Poker Face is about her. Then she'll date Damien Hirst (the dude who came up with shark in formaldehyde).

Things will go well...until Damien wants her to submerge herself in formaldehyde and saran wrap for his next piece of performance art and he interprets Claudia's protestation of, "Humans breathe AIR" as "Let's see other people."


One day, Stacey's mother, Maureen McGill, will take another rich husband. Maybe a doctor this time, so Maureen won't have to worry about paying for doctor visits when the diabetus acts up. I get so tired of reading about how Stacey shows up for a sitting job at the Johanssens looking like death warmed over and Dr. J works some magic on her.

Maureen will quit her job, the happy family can take all the Fire Island vacations Stacey wants want, and all will be well. Until Stacey comes home from college one day and Stepdaddy Dearest buys her a diamond ring and offers to help her shave her bikini line. Yup, Stace is a blonde Caucasian Soon Yi.

Mary Anne

Mary Anne will stay with Logan for a few years, being the lovable doormat she is. I like the idea that Mary Anne will continue to quilt, knit, and macrame her heart out. Logan will make her work fourteen hour shifts creating pet rock snuggies and bedazzled tea cozies for Etsy, screaming at her that without him and his crafty vision, she's nothing. Eventually, she'll break it off with him, all Tina Turner leaving Ike (or Rihanna leaving Chris Brown for you youngsters), and launch a huge solo line on Bluefly, featuring her signature item, a pink ensemble for Elvira the Goat.
Logan will beg and plead for her to come back to him, telling her, "Remember all the times I dressed up as the Rum Tum Tugger and we broke out the KY intense?"

But Mary Anne will snidely respond, "What's bestiality got to do with it?" and sublimate her sexual tension by spending more time at the animal shelter and Furrie Support Groups.


Remember when Lisa Simpson's friends taunted her, "Lisa, are you going to marry a carrot?" Yes. That's who Dawn's going to marry.

She'll divorce him in two years when she decides he's not as committed to the anti meat pro vegan cause as she is.


Mal will write children's books for a living and make a bundle outlining the intricate lives of tiny cartoon mice who wear overalls. She'll visit Gap Kids stores and buy clothes thinking how wonderful this would look on her characters. She'll go on living in the Pike household till everyone but Pow the lovable Pike basset hound leaves. Mary Anne will visit her a few times a year and sigh, pitying her.

One day, Mallory will forget to give Pow his kibble and he'll stare at her and she'll stare back, blushing, wondering if they had a Moment.

Pow will lick peanut butter off Mal's thigh while she gets drunk watching reruns of Angelina Ballerina and screams about what a hack Katherine Holabird is, and how she doesn't know the meaning of rodent kid lit. She'll ask him if her hair is sexy even though it's not long and straight and exotic like Claudia or bouncy like Stacey's. She'll ask him if her bedazzled coveralls make her look fat.

Things won't end well.


Jessi has a long checklist of attributes in a guy. He has to be black. He has to appreciate dance.

Well, I don't know about you, but who's the first guy you think of when you think of dancing African Americans? No, NOT Alvin Ailey. No, not Gregory Hines. Ben Ver-who?

We're all children of the 80s and 90s here. I'm talking about the guy who, as a kid, taught us to moonwalk. The guy whose Snoopy-esque Happy Dance was essentially acting like Monica Gellar in a Bruce Springsteen video to It's Not Unusual.

No, Alfonso's not what he used to be. But by marrying this C list celebrity, Jessi's that much closer to Dancing with the Stars.

I admit that I mainly want to see Jessi try to take Carlton home to her extended family in New Jersey and watch him eye roll at the African art and soul food, and tell them that while Malcolm X was all right, he's no match for Bryant Gumbel.

As for Abby, if you're wondering if we forgot about you...we did.

Edited to add: Just realized that this is my 100th post. So everyone, feel free to grab a cookie on your way out. We have cookies shaped like Ann M., the Rum Tum Tugger, and Elvira the Goat.