Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Movies in a Minute: The Karate Kid

Daniel: "Hi. I'm the wrong side of the tracks Jersey boy. I have underdog permanently stitched to the back of my shirt."

Ali: "Oh. My parents wear monogrammed track suits around the house. And my boyfriend's an entitled upper class asshole."

Sadako: "Can you say class conflict any louder?"

Johnny: "Stay away from my girl!"

Cobra Kai: "Yeah!"

Daniel: "Ow."

Mr. Miyagi: "You underdog. Look like you need friend. Mentor. Buddy. Miyagi help."

Cookie Monster: "Good syntax! Me approve."

Mr. Miyagi: "Bonsai tree?"

Daniel: "There's no way I can trim a bonsai tree. It's 1984--Japan isn't cool or accessible even to the most alienated outsider. Hentai hasn't entered our cultural lexicon."

Mr. Miyagi: "Close eyes. Trust. Concentrate. Think only tree."

Sadako: "Mr. Miyagi, they should hire you to teach brain surgery and rocket science for the blind."

Daniel: "Johnny's crew beat me senseless and I already used the I walked into a door excuse, Mr. Miyagi. What do I do?"

Mr. Miyagi: "Go Cobra Kai karate teacher. Talk him about wayward students."

Teacher: "Let's fight about it."

Mr. Miyagi: "Fight at tournament conveniently taking place two months from now in neutral location. Give Daniel-san two months prepare."

Teacher: "Works for me. I've got the next two months free to attend that Chuck Norris Fantasy Camp."


Daniel: "There's no way I can beat Johnny."

Sadako: "He's got screaming in monotonous unison with the rest of the dojo down pretty good, I'll grant you."

Mr. Miyagi: "Karate not about fight. Fight always last resort."

Edward Said: "Could you use a verb, or a definite article once in a while, please? I need a break from spinning in my grave."

Sadako: "Take a chill pill, Eddie. You're going to need it for the Orientalism displayed when I snark SATC Deux."

Daniel: "I don't know. I just don't think I have what it takes to win."

Sadako: "There's no way you can't win. You have a magical Asian man, a mystical bandanna heirloom and your opponent is a stock rich asshole. Middle America would riot in the streets Rodney King style if you lost."

Mr. Miyagi: "Daniel-san. I promise teach karate. And no conjugate verbs. That my part. Your part, you do, no questions or challenging of Miyagi's grammatical structure."

Daniel: "Karate training? I'm being your goddamned slave! And could you pick up Strunk and White, please?"

Mr. Miyagi: "Daniel-san! Show me sand floor! Show paint fence. Show wax on, wax off! And one more thing. Miyagi already memorize Elements of Style. Like best chapter on brevity."

Ali: "Daniel, what's wrong?"

Daniel: "We're from two different worlds, Ali. You're from Encino. I'm from Reseda. You shop at Fred Segal. I wear Oriental hand-me-downs. You're going to go on to star in such family friendly eighties fare as Adventures in Babysitting and the last two Back to the Future films. I'll be lucky to get a bit part in My Cousin Vinny."

Ali: *punches Johnny* "See? It's okay now."

Sadako: "Take that, psychological fall out from class conflict."

Mr. Miyagi: "It time. Fight now. Remember karate that Miyagi taught you, Daniel-san."

Official: "First match. Point to Daniel."

Ali: "You're the best, Daniel! You're the best!"

Sadako: "No, too subtle. How will we know how Daniel's doing relative to his competitors?"

Joe Esposito: "You're the best, around! Nothing's ever gonna keep you down, you're the BEST!"

Teacher: "Sweep the leg!"

Johnny: "W-what?"

Teacher: "Show no mercy! Now shove him when he's down so the audience will know they're supposed to hate you."

Officials: "We're going to allow this, in order to set the overall tone of social warfare."

Officials: "Winner, winner, chicken dinner!"

Daniel: "We won, Mr. Miyagi! On a hurt leg, no less! Best wounded underdog story ever!"

Sadako: "Till Nancy Kerrigan, anyway."