Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Dawson's Creek in a Minute

Dawson: "Say goodnight, Joey."

Joey: "Um, maybe I should sleep in my own bed. I mean, we're going to be high school sophomores tomorrow."

Dawson: "Oh, see, you're making it about sex, and it's not. Why do you have to go and make it sexual? My idol Spielberg spent every night of his life in bed with E.T., and he turned out fine."

Sadako: "The crystal skull movie aside."

Pacey: "Ms. Jacobs? Would you go to bed with me?"

Tamara Jacobs: "Let's study first, Pacey. We'll make sex into a game. Percentages. Let's say there are three hundred girls at Capeside High. How many of those girls' bosoms have you fondled, hmm, Pacey?"

Pacey: "Um, two."

Tamara Jacobs: "Ah, two hundred-

Pacey: "No, just two."

Tamara Jacobs: "Two? What do you mean, two? I can't do a percentage of two!"

Pacey: "I guess I'm more of an ass man."

Jen: "Hi guys."

Dawson: "ATA! ATA!"

Joey: "Slut."

Jen: "What?"

Joey: "Whore."

Jen: "Okay, I admit, I was sexualized way too young, sort of like Serena van der Woodsen before it was cool, but you know, I'm a human being and I'd like to get my life back on track--

Dawson: "Whore."

Joey: "I love you, Dawson."

Dawson: "Me too."

Kevin Williamson: "Oh, crap. The audience likes it. They like it! But I've already got the main characters together. I knew I should have dragged it out. Never diverge from Cheers again!"

Joey: "I love you but the world is so incessantly complicated and every fiber of my being says to converge upon one path and yet my heart pulls me astray. Let's see other people till sweeps week."

Andie: "Pacey I don't know what's happening and sometimes I find myself talking in a rush of words, and my mother thinks my brother is still alive."

Pacey: "Andie, I can't see you anymore. You're insane, you cheated on me, but most importantly, you're the oldest member of the cast. Kevin, can we get marry her off to a Hispanic law student?"

Kevin Williamson: "To an insane asylum in Italy with you, Andie. And Mrs. McPhee, to the attic with you, never to be spoken of again."

Jack: "Hey everyone? I'm gay. But I only express my sexuality through vaguely worded poetry. I don't actually kiss, hug, or look at men."

Dawson: "Hey, Pacey? I'm gonna go over there and hit on Eve. Can you watch Joey for me? Think of her like a parking space. Just stand over her and make sure no one makes a move on her till I'm ready."

Pacey: "How you doin'?"

Joey: "Pacey, you got a lot to offer a girl."

Sadako: "And you guys pull off that conjoined twins attached at the forehead look way better."

Dawson: "No! Mine!"

Pacey: "So...should we go to bed?"

Joey: "I can't. What if Dawson goes insane and enters his Roman Polanski phase? I'm kind of his Sharon Tate, and if I leave him, who knows what he'll do?"

Dawson: "No, I'm cool. Kevin came up with a serendipitous meeting between Goodwife Witter and me that has tempestuously rocked my testosterone fused core."

Pacey: "So. Joey..."

Joey: "Wait. Why doesn't he care? People are supposed to fall hopelessly in love with me even while I'm rude and surly."

Pacey: "Dammit, Joey. I can't date you anymore. And you know why? It's not because we're drifting apart or I want us to see other people--it's because you're the shining encapsulation of everything that I know to be representative of inherent perfection."

Joey: "I know! Time to go to college. I wrote a story about Dawson and me in five minutes, I hope Worthington likes it!"

Professor: "Wow. You're hot. And talented. I'm going to offer you a research position that most graduate students would literally kill over. Want to go to bed?"

Joey: "No. That's Jen's job. I just inspire feelings of lust while putting men on the right path, whether it's Hollywood or a rickety boat."

Jen: "Why do you have such issues with me? I'm a woman. I've had premarital sex, yes. I'm not the embodiment of harlotry. I'm just a normal girl trying to navigate my emotions and sexual urges in a world floundering in its appreciation for female equality."

Joey: "Ew."

Kevin Williamson: "No, she's right. We should treat Jen a little differently."

Jen: "Final draft for the last ever Dawson's Creek which takes place in the future. Turns out I'm a single mother who's dying of cancer of my girly parts? Subtle, Kevin."

Samantha Jones: "Oh, honey, I've been there."

Kevin Williamson: "No, Jen, it's a heart stripe across your heart and at any moment, it could tighten and die. As a sexually liberated woman, you're literally heartless."

Deputy Dougie: "Turns out I really was gay, and in a daring twist, I get to end up with the only other gay character on the show."

Sadako: "Be grateful you weren't a black wheelchair bound dwarf or you'd really be hurtin' for some loving."

Joey: "Well, now that Jen's finally in her Y shaped coffin and Andie's still insane, I get top picks again. And I'm going with...hmm...the neurotic Hollywood bound director? No, I'll have enough of that to worry about in the future. Pacey!"