Friday, June 18, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey in a Minute

Caroline: "Don't mess with my family. We'll hunt you down and slaughter you, Moe Green style."

Teresa: "People make fun of Jersey girls but I think they're just jealous of our gaudy faux French chateaux and our polyester hair extensions."

Danielle: "You're either gonna love me or hate me. Or both if you had the misfortune to come out of my uterus."

Caroline: "Dis is my son, Albie. He's the only one smart enough to reliably make it out of Jersey to Fordham without the GPS, so he's going to law school to become our family's Tom Hagen one day. Over dere is Christaphuh, who wants to purchase the Bada Bing and make it into a car wash cum strip joint. And dis is Lauren who's not good for much beyond waxing pubes, but we are hurting for a money laundering front."

Jacqueline: "Hi! Meet my daughter, Ashley. She's not doing so well at school but she did get a gold star last week for punctuality..."

Ashley: "Fuck you, Mom."

Jacqueline: "Sorry, honey. Do you want a black or white SUV?"

Ashley: "Get two. I'm not sharing with CJ."

Teresa: "This is my husband, Joe. Isn't he gawgis? Joe, I need forty thousand dollars for some more aw-nyx furnishings."

Joe: "Ya wan 'em in Benjamins or Washingtons?"

Producer Andy Cohen: "Washingtons. It'll look better when you guys count it out for the bemused delivery guy."

Teresa: "Joe, I need *this* much now. Joe, come on, they're for C-cup bubbies."

Joe: "Titties?"

Andy Cohen: "Joe, can we reshoot this with a quotable sound bite? Something like, Happy wife, happy life?"

Joe: "Titties!"

Andy Cohen: "We'll work on it."

Dina: "It's so hard being a working mom these days. I have to deal with raising my one almost teenaged daughter and my career buying gold plated snow globes for celebrities. And I have to find time to wash my ugly cat. I really need an assistant."

Danielle: "Tell me about it. Let's have a botox-collagen party at my place."

Plastic Surgeon: "So, I simply place the syringe--"

Danielle: "Plastic surgeon? That's like a doctor, right? You wanna have phone sex tonight and then meet my kids? They need a good father figure--the last one was only a few years older than my eldest."

Teresa: "My daughter Gia has what it takes. She's going to be the next Jonbenet Ramsey, only classier. Jazz hands, Gia, jazz hands!"

Wilhelmina Modeling: "You want your moderately attractive ape to be a model? Um...well..."

Andy Cohen: "Throw her a bone and you won't have to take another Top Model girl on ever."

Wilhelmina: "Yes, Gia is, really adorable little...creature. Er, how about this blender ad? Put her behind an oversized carrot."

Dina: "So there's this book. It says that Danielle was arrested for drug dealing and kidnapping and extortion and torturing someone."

Caroline: "This is not okay. We're a Godfather family, not a Scarface one. We get the mulignan to do that shady blow business for us."

Teresa: "How dare that bitch Danielle call my husband a homophobe? Joe's incredibly tolerant of the gays. He even said he thought that Vito on The Sopranos shouldn't have been tortured and killed for being gay--just sawdamized with a .45 a little."

Caroline: "My husband Albert worries about the family when he's not home. What if Uncle June gets confused and wanders in with an AK-47? Or what if, God forbid, the same deranged non-mobbed up guy who killed my father in law and stuffed him naked into a Buick, comes back? You never know. And who better to give us an attack dog than all around nice guy Bernie Kerik?"

Bernie Kerik: "Hi, I'm Bernie Kerik. The only NYPD commissioner who was also a convicted felon, so I've got that going for me."

Andy Cohen: "Caroline, you're actually friends with him? No jokes? This wasn't the work of an ambitious assistant producer? Oh guys, I think I just came in my pants a little."

Teresa: "Guys, we're throwing a party for me and the new bubbies. Joe's been such an animal in the sack since I got the bubbies. And now that I have the bubbies, there's actually foreplay."

Joe: "Can we do it now?"

Teresa: "Danielle may be a slutty hobag whose vagina is as big as the Lincoln Tunnel but I'm being the better person by inviting her to my party. So, there we were, eating oysters and makin' witty comments."

Caroline: "Have an oyster."

Teresa: "I love to swallow."

All: "Oh, that's our Teresa."

Andy Cohen: "Psst, Danielle. We got you a copy of the book. Lay it on the table in a minute."

Danielle: "Teresa, pay attention, puh-lease. Only TWO things are true in this book. The name change and the fact that I was arrested for cigarette burning a kid's eyeballs. You make it sound like I'm evil. Oh, and the nineteen engagements."


Joe: "Mmm."

Dina: "It's sweet. She's just a hot little eye-talian mama."

Andy Cohen: "Let's get a close up of Danielle's traumatized kids. Close up of the big sad doe eyes. Great. See you guys at the reunion."