Monday, June 14, 2010

Movies in a Minute: The Witches

Grandma: "Now, Luke, real witches are very tricky!"

Luke: "Tell me more, Grandma."

Grandma: "They put you in old Norwegian paintings. They wear gloves to cover their long claw like hands, they have no toes, and under their wigs, they're bald."

Sadako: "Post menopausal women are scary, I grant you, but please. I've seen Devil Wears Prada like eight times."

Luke: "Mom? Dad? Hello?"

Macauly Culkin: "Say another word and John Hughes, Chris Columbus and I will cut you."

Grandma: "Luke, your parents are dead. Don't worry. You're in good hands."

Luke: "You mean you can provide for my education?"

Grandma: "No, I mean I've taught you what to do if witches come for you."

Witch: "Hello? Want a snake? Or a chocolate bar?"

Luke: "Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Grandma: "You did well to scream helplessly for me, Luke. Now that I have the diabetus, we're going to England."

Mr. Stringer: "Seems I've been reincarnated again. In my most humiliating guise yet--hotel manager."

Grandma: "That woman over there looks so striking. I feel I know her from somewhere."

Sadako: "Grandma, you naughty, naughty minx, were you at Jack's house, too, during that photo shoot with old Roman and Samantha Geimar?"

Mr. Stringer: "Well, ladies, let me know if you need any help with your Royal Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Children meeting."

Grand High Witch: "Ladies. You may remove your wigs! You may remove your gloves!"

Luke: "They're witches!"

Sadako: "Witches who make Large Marge look like a pound puppy. I'm taking a note from Gonzo and Rizzo in Muppet Christmas Carol--viewers, you're on your own for now. See you when the face mask goes back on."

Grand High Witch: "My latest creation. Formula 86! It changes every little boy or girl who eats it...into a mouse! Look here. I fed this disgusting, naive child chocolate with Formula 86 on it an hour ago."

Bruno: "Hello. I'm Roald Dahl's token hated fat child."

Roald Dahl: "Ugh. Can we stuff a few more pillows under his shirt for maximum repulsion?"

Bruno: "I don't feel so good..."

Grand High Witch: "He is a mouse!"

Luke: "I've got to stop them. GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDMA."

Grand High Witch: "Shut up, you're bothering me. Five hundred doses! Good, now you're a mouse. Now, for the rest of you, come over to my place to pick up your Formula 86 before dinner and then we'll reconvene next year."

Luke: "Come on, Bruno. It's all up to us to stop the witches. Graandma!"

Grandma: "Luke! You're a mouse. What shall we do?"

Luke: "We have to steal Formula 86 and put it in the witches' food. But where do I put it?"

Mr. Stringer: "Conveniently, every member of the Royal Society will be dining upon cress soup. That's CRESS SOUP for anyone who didn't hear me. CRESS. SOUP."

Luke: "Okay!"

Grand High Witch: "Where do you think you're going?"

Miss Irvine: "To the banquet."

Grand High Witch: "You are not here to enjoy yourself. You are here to work! And develop an angry grudge against me so it will seem plausible later when you try to help the muggles."

Miss Irvine: "I quit!"

Grandma: "Mr. Bruno. Mrs. Bruno. This is your son, Bruno. He needs to go on a diet. Oh, he's also a mouse. Do you want to know who did this to Bruno?"

Bruno's father: "The man in the purple top hat wearing the NO FAT KIDS shirt and muttering about everlasting gobstoppers?"

Grandma: "That woman over there! She is the Grand High Witch! Mr. Stringer, could you destroy that particularly infectious looking rat?"

Mr. Stringer: "Certainly. Baldrick? BALDRICK?"

Luke: "Grandma, I went around to the Grand High Witch's suite and had all her money and the addresses of the American witches sent to us."

Grandma: "You mean..."

Luke: "We can flush even more of my college fund down the drain hunting witches!"

Grandma: "That's my boy!"

Luke: "Grandma? Will I ever be a real boy again?"

Grandma: "Maybe the test audience will rebel and demand that you be transformed into your old form."

Miss Irvine: "Look! I'm a pretty woman now, and I'm going to turn you into a human boy."

Roald Dahl: "Is that a happy ending I see before me? NOOOO!"

Film Version of Audrey II: "Join the club. I was promised the entire earth when I signed up to make my life story. Instead I got defeated at the hands of a poor man's Woody Allen."