Monday, August 23, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Disney's Beauty and the Beast

Narrator: "Once upon a time, there was a prince in a far away land. I think it was called France. The prince had everything his heart desired, including expository narration for his life, but he was selfish and cruel. One day, an old beggar woman came asking for shelter from the cold. The prince, sneering at her appearance, sent her away. She warned him not to judge by appearances, and then, to prove her point, she turned into a beautiful sorceress.

Narrator: "She turned the prince into a beast and put a spell on all the innocent people who had the misfortune to work for a selfish master. Then she gave him a rose that would bloom till his twenty first year. If the prince could love another and earn her love in return, the spell would be reversed. If not, he and all the others who lived there would be doomed forever."

Belle: "Every day is just the same, in this poor provincial town...There goes the baker with his tray like always, the same old bread and rolls to sell..."

Sadako: "I guess the luxury time necessary for existentialist crises and reflection hasn't yet come to the French proletariat."

Villagers: "BOOK LEARNER!"


Maurice: "Bye, Belle! I'm off to the inventors' convention! Maybe this year Monsieur Pasteur will invest in my wood chopping machine."

Belle: "Au revoir, Papa!"

Maurice: "Help! I'm incompetent at spatial skills and there are wolves after me!"

Cogsworth: "Well, since turning out a guest last time worked out so well, that's what I propose we do again!"


Maurice: "Make them pay a small fine?"

Beast: "Are you staring at me? DON'T LOOK AT ME!"

Belle: "Papa! Please, sir, let me take his place."

Beast: "Fine. Go away, old man. Belle, you can have a nice room with a canopy bed. Just stay out of the West Wing."

Belle: "What's in the West Wing?"

Jed Bartlet: "Quiet, it's a matter of national security!"

Lumiere: "Ask her to dinner!"

Beast: "You will join me for dinner. I hope you like capers."

Belle: "No! You can't just ask me out on fifteen minutes' notice and expect me to say yes! I'll look like a loser with no social life!"

Beast: "FINE! If you don't want to go out with me, you can STARVE. Magic Mirror? Show me the girl."

Sadako: "Uh, guy, the proper protocol for this is obsessively checking her Twitter and Facebook status to see if she really is washing her hair..."

Belle: "I'm hungry."

Lumiere: "Be our guest, be our guest!...Life is so unnerving for a servant who's not serving, he's not whole without a soul to wait upon!"

Karl Marx: "Poor indoctrinated candlestick."

Belle: "Ooh. What does this button do?"

Beast: "GET OUT OF THE WEST WING! I had this broken furniture arranged perfectly before you came in! AND DON'T TOUCH MY ROSE."

Flower: "Finally. A prince who knows how to treat a girl."

Belle: "Thank you for chasing me out into the wilderness and then remembering to rescue me when wolves showed up."

Beast: "No problem. We should do it again."

Patti Stanger: "Oh, honey, do not live with a guy before marriage. And why'd you so rudely dump Gaston? And you didn't even give LeFou a second glance. Always date a pair and a spare!"

Beast: "I have a present for you. It's my library. I've got everything on Kindle anyway."

Belle: "I think there's something there that wasn't there before!"

Gaston: "How do I get Belle interested in me? I tried making fun of her dad and showing up at her house uninvited to marry her."

Mystery: "Try Normally I think girls who wear the same dress every day are kind of gross but on you it's really quirky. And wear a flamingo pink boa and a top hat that says GASTON in flashing LED lights."

Gaston: "I know! I'll pay the asylum owner to put her dad away unless she marries me!"

Mrs. Potts: "Barely even friends, then somebody bends unexpectedly..."

Michael Eisner: *sniff* "It's beautiful. He'll make a cuddly plush toy for the 5-8 demographic, an action figure for the 8-11 male set, and a sexy bad boy for the female buyer of any age."

Mrs. Potts: "Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast..."

Beast: "Thanks, Mrs. P. Thanks for reminding me of my number one insecurity in song form."

Mrs. Potts: "No problem, dearie."

Beast: "Are you happy here, Belle?"

Belle: "It's my father! He's alone and sick!"

Beast: "Well. Then you must go to him, and I'll just have to hope that the Stockholm Syndrome's developed strongly enough in you so that you decide to come back."

Belle: "Oh, thank you!"

Beast: "Take this magical mirror. You can look at whatever you want. I usually keep it set on tropical beach."

Gaston: "We're going to put your father in the asylum. He's raving about a beast in a castle. Unless you marry me..."

Belle: "No! I can prove he's not insane--just lovably eccentric."

All: "Let's kill the beast!"

Belle: "Oops."

Gaston: "Noooo!"

Belle: "Beast! I love you! Oh, Beast! Please don't leave me."

Beast: "We're back! Cogsworth, Lumiere, Mrs. Potts! And the rest who sacrificed so much for me but don't have funny backstories or punny names!"

Lumiere: "Honh honh honh! Back to making Pepe LePew look politically correct!"