Thursday, August 26, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Disney's Peter Pan

Narrator: "This happened before. And it will happen again. But this time it happened in London to the Darling family."

Wendy: "Peter Pan is ever so wonderful--"

Mr. Darling: "I've had enough of the tales of that rapscallion! It's high time Wendy had a room of her own! Tonight's your last night in the nursery!"

Mrs. Darling: "George!"

Children: "Father!"

Virginia Woolf: "Finally."

Mrs. Darling: "Don't worry, children. This is as close to love as your father's British repression will ever allow him to show."

Wendy: "Don't lock the window, Mother! I have something that belongs to a strange boy and he might sneak into my room late at night."

Mother: "Oh. Yes, of course, dear."

Peter Pan: "Come on, Tink! Let's find my shadow."

Sadako: "Now a little fanservice for all the dads in the audience."

Wendy: "Oh, Peter. I'm so glad you came. Tonight's my last night in the nursery. I'll have to have a room of my own, with no one to snoop in my diary or go through my personal belongings."

Peter Pan: "No! You can come away with me and be a mother to the lost boys. Come on, everyone. Tink!"

Michael: "What's the pixie doing?"

Sadako: "Engaging in what Carol Gilligan would term girl on girl hierarchical conflict."

John: "How do we fly, too?"

Peter Pan: "Just think really good thoughts!"

Rhoda Byrne: "Interesting..."

Peter Pan: "Oh, and just use a little pixie dust. Come on! Neverland. First star to the left and straight on till morning."

Pirate: "Peter Pan ahoy!"

Captain Hook: "I'll get you, Pan! And your voluptuous little lady friend, too!"

Peter Pan: "Watch over Wendy and the others, Tink, while I stay here and draw Hook's fire."

Lost Boys: "What's that, Tink? Peter wants us to shoot down the Wendy bird? Okay! Huzzah for following orders!"

Peter Pan: "Nice going, blockheads. I bring you a mother and you shoot her down before she can wash any dishes or make a single bed? What good will she be to us dead or wounded?! Tink, you're banned from Neverland for a week. Tootles, take a Polaroid of her and tape it up."

Wendy: "Peter, let's see the mermaid lagoon! Mermaids are ever so sweet and lovely!"

Sadako: "Spoken like someone who's never known the frustration of coming across a mermaid with the fish part on the bottom."

Peter Pan: "All right, guys. We're going to the mermaid lagoon. While I'm gone, go out and capture a few Native Neverlanders. John, you're in charge."

John: "Now, since the Injun is crude and savage, we'll have to--


Sadako: "Maybe you put her behind your copy of How to be an Ethnic Stereotype Without Really Trying?"

Wendy: "Oh, real live mermaids!"

Mermaids: "Come for a swim, dearie!"

Wendy: "If you dare to come near me--"

Mermaids: "We're sorry. We were only engaging in some girlish competition for the attention of the nearest male like almost every other female on the island."

Peter Pan: "Look! It's Hook--and Tiger Lily. We'll have to save her."

Wendy: "Well, with her darling little dark pig tails and that quaint little feather, she's almost as sweet as a mermaid or a pixie."

Peter Pan: "Release the princess at once, Smee!"

Chief: "Chief heap glad that Pan rescue Tiger Lily. Make Pan honorary brave. Teachum paleface all about Injun culture. Use-um subjectless verbs, too."

All: "What makes the red man red? Why does he say ugh? Why does he ask you how?"


Sadako: "Let me get this straight. The red man asks how so he can learn all the things he didn't know. He says ugh because that's what the first Indian brave said when he met his mother-in-law. And he's red because the very first Indian brave blushed when he kissed a maiden. Disney, you know that no amount of painting with the colors of the wind or mystical talking trees is going to get rid of this skeleton, right?"

Squaw: "Squaw getum firewood!"

Wendy: "I say! Squaw no getum firewood. Squaw go home where the only Injuns she'll see are in her annotated Hiawatha."

Smee: "You know, Cap'n, ever since Pan banished Tink things have been different."

Hook: "Pan banished Tink?! Why didn't you keep me abreast of the island gossip! A jealous female can be tricked into anything! Come, Smee. Get the best of Helen Gurley Brown and a copy of The Rules. We've got to conquer the insecurities of the female psyche."

Tink: "..."

Hook: "Pull up a chair. Have a cosmo. It must be hard with your man shacking up with the nearest human girl and all that. We're thinking of shanghaiing Wendy, though--oh, you want to help? Where does Pan live? Aha!"

Wendy: "John, Michael, we're going home in the morning. You can't stay here and live like savages. You have to grow up and one day take up the white man's burden."

Peter Pan: "Fine. Go on. But I'm warning you. Once you grow up, you can never grow up. NEVER. You'll have to seek out your Indian stereotypes in James Fenimore Cooper novels and you'll have to wait till Disney pioneers a Pirates of the Caribbean ride for more sea adventures."

Hook: "Gotcha!"

Wendy: "Boys! You mustn't become pirates. Going around slitting people's throats and taking their belongings is only honorable if one is attired in a red coat and occasionally sings Rule Britania."

Peter Pan: "Ooh, a present from Wendy."

Tinker Bell: "..."

Peter Pan: "A bomb? No, that's ignorant--ahh! Tink, you saved my life. Come on, it's off to save the others."

Hook: "Well, boys? What will it be? The pen? Or the plank?"

Peter Pan: "Bye, Hook! Let's not kill him off directly just in case an enterprising movie director needs him as a villain years from now in a movie where I grow up and return to Neverland. You never know."