Monday, August 9, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Disney's Aladdin

Peddler: " Oh I come from a land, from a faraway place, where Orientalist stereotypes roam, Where they cut off your ear if they don't like your face..."

Sadako: "It's barbaric, but hey, it's it's life in the Middle East as seen through the eyes of Americans still cowering from the Gulf War footage."

Aladdin: "One jump ahead of the breadline...I steal only what I can't afford--that's everything!"

Fagin: "I like your thieving skills and your ability to musically justify your thieving habits. Want to join my crew? gotta pick a pocket or two..."

Sultan: "Why won't Princess Jasmine marry any of the prospective husbands I've shown her? Jafar, my adviser, how do I solve a problem like Jasmine?"

Jasmine: "I'm going off to experience the real world. Sorry, Rajah. Tigers don't make good companions for going slumming."

Sadako: "They also make bizarre pets for people not living in India, which makes Rajah the final thing that was culturally wrong in Aladdin for the Back to Baghdad contest I entered!"

Jasmine: "Oh. You look hungry, little boy. Here you go!"

Stall owner: "I hope you can pay for that!"

Jasmine: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that the exchange of goods and services for currency had come to the Arabian peninsula yet."

Sadako: "And they said George Bush was out of touch with the common man when he marveled over check out scanners."

Aladdin: ", uh, come here often?"

Guards: "Stop, thief!"

Jasmine: "Unhand him! By order of the princess."

Jafar: "Sorry, my dear. I can't release him. I've faked his death so I can use him for my nefarious purposes, La Femme Nikita style. Come with me, young Aladdin."


Aladdin: "Abu, you greedy monkey! Why did you have to fulfill the thieving monkey stereotype instead of the feces flinging one today? Oh well. Now that we're trapped in here, we might as well rub the lamp."

Genie: "OY! Ten thousand years in the lamp will get you really behind on your pop cultural references! Time to start making up for lost time."

Aladdin: "Like. Whoa."

Genie: "You get three wishes. So, what'll it be?"

Aladdin: "Oh, I don't know. Everything looks so good. What do you recommend?"

Genie: "Oh, well, I'd wish for freedom. I'm technically your slave."

Aladdin: "Well, I promise to free you. After you grant me two really kickass wishes. Okay. First wish. There's this girl. But she's a princess. Hey, Genie, make me a prince!"

Iago: "Jafar, why don't you marry Jasmine and become the sultan?"

Jafar: "I love the way your foul little voice articulates those creepy thoughts! Oh, Sultan? You will order the princess to marry me."

Sultan: "I will order the princess to...but you're so OLD. And marriages between young girls and old men are unheard of in whatever era we're in!"

Genie: "Prince Ali, mighty is he, Ali Ababwa!"

Jasmine: "Ugh, nouveau riche guys are so tacky. Get lost."

Aladdin: "Good teenagers, take off your clothes. Er, good kitty, take off your clothes. I mean, wait, I can do this..."

Michael Eisner: "This. This is the reason we don't hire any more voice actors whose bulk experience is a minor role on Full House."

Jasmine: "Ew. Go jump off a balcony."

Aladdin: "Well, excuuuuse me, Princess!"

Jasmine: "Wait. You have a flying carpet? You're already cooler than the guy I turned down for only driving a one humped camel. Let's go!"

Aladdin: "Pretty sweet ride, huh? Too bad Abu--oh, crap."

Jasmine: "Wait a minute. You're really Aladdin."

Clark Kent: "Quick. Put on a pair of horn rimmed glasses and try to look nebbishy!"

Aladdin: "Okay, it's true. I like to go to downtown Agrabah and try to blend in with the plebs for fun. I guess that must sound a little strange."

Semi: "Yes, it does sound strange, but will Prince Akeem listen to reason? No!"

Jafar: "I think it's time Prince Abooboo was drowned."

Genie: "Al! It's technically against the rules to save you, and it's my day off, but screw it, servants in Disney films don't really have their own motivations."

Mrs. Potts: "That's for damned sure."

Aladdin: "Cool. Thanks, Genie."

Sultan *hypnotized* "Jasmine shall marry Jafar. The double J's will make for a cute alliteration on the wedding invitations."

Aladdin: "Not so fast! Sultan, Jafar's been using mind control on you! And not acceptable American advertising mind control, but weird Oriental snake staff mind control!"

Sultan: "Jafar, you're banished!"

Jasmine: "Father, I wish to marry Prince Ali."

Sultan: "That's wonderful! By the many arms of, no, the swollen belly of Buddha...ah, no, that's not right...what religion are we again? Oh yes, by Allah, you shall be Sultan!"

Aladdin: "Cool--wait, what? I just wanted to marry into this family so I could spend time gazing at your daughter's navel and then maybe get a governorship in one of the minor locales. I didn't think I'd have to take over the family business. Sorry, Genie. I'll be needing that last wish and I'm cutting five of your vacation days."

Jafar: "That Prince Ali is nothing without the genie and his lamp! My lamp now! Genie! I wish to be an all powerful sultan."

Aladdin: "Whoa."

Jafar: "Genie, make me a sorcerer. Come, Jasmine, let's act out the Sheherazade fanfic Iago and I wrote last week."

Aladdin: "Oh yeah? You're not so powerful, Jafar. Like, maybe you should become a genie."

Jafar: "Genie! Make me a genie, too!"

Aladdin: "Gotcha! Sorry I lied, everyone. Oh, Genie, now that all my problems have been taken care of, you're like free, or whatever."

Sultan: "Silly rules. From now on, the princess will marry whomever she wishes!"

Sadako: "Think of all the social ills that could have been solved if only the Taliban had had access to Disney's Aladdin. Damn you and your vault, Disney!"

Jasmine: "I choose you, Aladdin!"

Aladdin: "Since we're on that whole honesty still have that harem get up Jafar made you wear?"

Sadako: "The many lessons of Aladdin: tell the truth...eventually. Keep your promises to friends...when it's convenient. And monkeys make great housepets."