Thursday, August 12, 2010

Movies in a Minute: A Clockwork Orange

Alex: "There was me, that is, Alex, and my three droogs, that is, Pete, Georgie, and Dim..."

Alex: "...and we sat about in the Korova milkbar trying to decide what to do with our evening, that is, take part in pointless sex or pointless ultra violence, when we decided to choose both."

Alex: "Excuse me, ma'am? Could we use your telephone. There's been a terrible accident, and my friend's lying in the middle of the road bleeding to death."

Mrs. Alexander: "I'm sorry. We don't have a telephone. You'll have to go somewhere else."

Sadako: "We don't have a telephone? Lady, you do have good instincts, but I'm rating that excuse up there with Adrian Monk's I don't have a bathroom excuse."

Mr. Alexander: "Let them in, dear."

Alex: "I'm singin' in the rain..."

Sadako: "I'm torn. The cinematography says great art but the polyester jumpsuit and seventies decor say pseudo avant-garde American Apparel ad."

Alex: "Viddy well, my little brother, viddy well! ...and then it was off to the Korova Milk Bar once more for a little post rape soiree."

Sadako: "Disgusting. Offensive. Horrifying. Milk? Or as I call it, glorified cow juice."

Alex: "The devotchka was smecking away, and I knew what she sang--a bit of the glorious 9th by Ludwig Van."

Dim: "Heh heh--OW! What did you do that for?"

Alex: "For being a bastard with no manners and not a dook of an idea how to comport yourself publicwise, O my brother."

Sadako: "Yeah. Save your rude remarks for when they start performing Mahler."

Alex: "Well, Georgie, tell us about this idea for tonight. A bit of the old in-out? The old ultra violence? Providing another reason for lady bloggers to coin the term triggy-wiggy warning years down the line?"

Georgie: "No, setting you up for an arrest, O my brother. We've grown tired of your tyrannical like ways."

Alex: "This is the real weepy part of the story beginning. I was put into jail."

Sadako: "That's bad."

Alex: "But it was my rabbit to help the prison charlie with Sunday service. It had been arranged by the prison charlie to read him the Bible. I liked the parts where the old yahoodies tolchok each other and then drink their Hebrew vino before getting to bed with their wives' handmaidens. That kept me going."

Sadako: "That's good."

Alex: "But your long suffering narrator still had fourteen years ahead of him."

Sadako: "That's bad."

Alex: "But even so, there was this new thing, a program that got you out of prison and made sure you'd never get back there again."

Sadako: "Can we get on with this?"

Dr. Brodsky: "Alex, we're going to show you a few films."

Alex: "It's a sin! Using Ludwig van like that. He never harmed anyone!"

Dr. Brodsky: "Are you referring to the background score? You've heard Beethoven before? Oh well. Let's keep going. Maybe conditioning you to become ill at the sound of Beethoven will be a useful plot element in a few scenes."

Ivan Pavlov: "I only meant for my teachings to do good or morally neutral things! Stuff like making good references in Rolling Stones songs or teasing hungry dogs. Nothing like this!"

Dr. Brodsky: "And you see? Alex becomes violently ill at the thought of violence or sex. Cured, by god! He's weak as a kitten. Unable to defend himself at all."

Madea: "Do you got him in black?"

Dr. Brodsky: "Well, off you go into the world, Alex. You won't be hurting anyone now!"

Michael Dukakis: "I knew something was missing from my furlough program."

Alex: "Halp. Please. Someone...halp."

Mr. Alexander: "You poor, poor thing. I've read about you in the papers. What the government did to you was wrong, oh so wrong. But I'm going to help you. I've got Mr. Bubble in original and Bubbleberry."

Alex: "Let the stormy clouds chase everyone from the place, come on with the rain...and I'm singin'..."

Mr. Alexander: "..."

Anton Chekov: "Let's just take that gun from the first act off the wall, shall we?"

Alex: "HALP! It's Beethoven's 9th! Yes, I jumped, O my brothers, and I fell hard, and I came back to life after what seemed like a million years."

Nurse: "He's come to!"

Alex: "Who are you?"

Minister: "Deus ex machina from the government. Stanley didn't know how to end the film, so we're here to help you for no real reason at all. Care to listen to some Beethoven?"

Ludwig Van Beethoven: "I'm trying to decide which film made me feel more violated: the one where I hear my work through a Moog synthesizer or the one where my namesake is a St. Bernard dog who puts things right for a suburban middle American family."

Alex: "I could viddy myself, running on and on, my faux Russian slang lexicon overflowing with unused phrases. I was cured all right."

Sadako: "Mr. Kubrick? Was this a happy ending or a sad ending?"

Stanley Kubrick: "Um. It's just an ending, okay?"