Monday, August 16, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Disney's The Lion King

Mufasa: "Rafiki. As the only member of my entourage with opposable thumbs, will you do the honors?"

Michael Jackson: "Oh. Sure. When the monkey does it, it's all great and majestic, but when I try to show the people of Germany my little Blanket, I'm insane."

Mufasa: "Scar, Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba this morning. And we thought the fruit basket you sent us as a gift lacked thought or insight."

Scar: "Indeed, yes, well, prior commitment and all that."

Simba: "Dad! Dad, come on, I'm old enough to walk and talk and annoy the living daylights out of you! Come on, we gotta go! Dad!"

Sarabi: "Your son is awake."

Mufasa: "Before sunrise, and anytime he decides to go off to Queens to marry a commoner, he's your son."

Simba: "Dad, you promised!"

Mufasa: "Okay. See, all that the light touches is ours. But there's more to being king than getting your way all the time. There's also making up catch phrases, like circle of life, that explain why we can slaughter what animals we want and still get every herbivore on the plains to RSVP to our christenings and weddings. Remember that even though we eat the antelope, when we die, we become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass."

Zazu: "Good morning, sir! Time for the morning report."

Mufasa: "Zazu. Turn around. Pouncing lesson."

Zazu: "Oh, sir, you can't be serious. I've been to Human Resources twice this week about this and they say it definitely constitutes a hostile work environment."

Gopher: "Sire! Hyenas in the pride lands!"

Mufasa: "Okay, Simba. Gotta run. Cliffs notes version of today's lesson: don't be born an antelope."

Simba: "Hey Uncle Scar, guess what! Dad showed me the kingdom and I'm gonna rule it all!"

Uncle Scar: "Yes, I love nepotism as much as the next lion. Well, don't go to the elephants' graveyard. Promise? Remember, it's our little secret."

Simba: "Nala, come on! Uncle Scar told me all about the elephants' graveyard and since he has no reason to resent me, we should go."

Zazu: "Look at you two! Your parents will be thrilled, what with you two being betrothed. Married. Etc."

Simba: "Ew. I can't marry her. She's my half-sister--

Michael Eisner: "Shh. No one here knows how lion prides work and let's keep it that way so this film doesn't get boycotted by the Moral Majority. Friends, okay, you two are just friends."

Mufasa: "Simba! You deliberately disobeyed me!"

Simba: "..."

Mufasa: "But you're so damned cute, I can't stay mad at you for long!"

Sadako: "And that's why the task of disciplining Simba was left up to a Meerkat Manor reject and a walking fart joke."

Simba: "I love you, dad. And we're always gonna be together, right?"

Mufasa: "Look up at the stars, Simba. The great kings watch down on us. Whenever you feel alone, just remember that they and I are watching you."

Simba: "So...that's a no?"

Scar: "Since there's no African plains version of the Tower of London, I'll have to be more creative when it comes to getting rid of my inconvenient nephew. Stampede time. Mufasa, quick! It's Simba! Stampede in the gorge!"

Mufasa: "Scar, brother. Help me!"

Scar: "Long live the king! ...just so you know. I was being ironic. Or sarcastic. Or is it sardonic?"

Simba: "D-Dad? Help!"

Scar: "Simba, you killed your father! Sure, it wasn't a clear cut intentional murder like MacBeth or OJ Simpson, more of an ambiguous Norman Bates or Sid Vicious situation. But you killed him. Now run away and never come back! Hyenas. Kill him."

Banzai: "Too much work. Let's just dump the package in the gutter and say we killed it."

Scar: "Sorry to say Simba and Mufasa both died. But I'm now king and I'm here to usher in a new age! Where lion and hyena come together in a great and glorious age! Enter the goose stepping hyenas!"

Rafiki: "Integration of the species?! That not good."

Pumbaa: "Hey kid. We saved your life. Hakuna Matata!"

Simba: "Hakuna Matata? What's that?"

Timon: "It's how my buddy and I here go from becoming barely known outside the theatre world to getting our own little Rosencrantz and Guildenstern inspired animated franchise."

Simba: "Got any antelope?"

Timon: "Try a grub."

Simba: "Slimy yet satisfying."

PETA: "See! We're one step closer to teaching a lion to eat tofu.

Simba: "Sigh. Living with you guys is great, but...I don't know...I think something's...something's missing."

Sadako: "Meanwhile..."

Rafiki: "Simba? He's alive! I recognize the scent of his dander! I knew sneaking into his crib when he was a baby to smell him randomly would pay off!"

Simba: "Nala!"

Nala: "Hey, could you guys leave us alone for a second?"

Timon: "Anything you want to say in front of him, you can say in front of us."

Simba: "Actually, there's going to be a lot of romping in the waterfall and running through the savannah. It's probably safer if you retreat."

Sadako: "Trust me. I know all about lion foreplay from Nat Geo."

Simba: "What, what is it? Is it that meerkats and warthogs got added to the list of animals we can't eat, along with baboons and hornbills? Because there are still zebras and antelopes."

Nala: "No, I missed you."

Simba: "Want to cuddle some more or should I get Timon to gather us up a little snack?"

Nala: "Why'd you let us think you were dead?!"

Sadako: "The post coital glow wears off."

Simba: "I just needed to get out on my own. Find myself. Move out of Pride Rock, find a couple of roommates, experiment with going lacto-ovo-insect vegetarian, that kind of thing."

Nala: "You're the true king and we need you at home! You have to come back!"

Simba: "Listen, it was nice...ah, running into you. I'll see you around the water hole, okay?"

Mufasa: "Simba. My son. You've forgotten who you are. You hang out with unambitious slackers, you spout off hackneyed vaguely ethnic phrases, and it's been over a year since you've eaten red meat. You're the leonine equivalent of a hippie. You must go back and do something marginally better with your life. Become king. Or even a low level accountant."

Simba: "Dad was right. Scar! I'm here to claim what's rightfully mine. Your planning and scheming are no match for my superior genes!"

Scar: "No! Please. It was the hyenas' fault!"

Simba: "Since I want to be remembered as a good king, I'm going to let the hyenas do my dirty work for me."

Zazu: "Your majesty. We've been waiting. We're sure your years of merriment and making flatulence jokes have prepared you well for your future reign."

Sadako: "Worked for Henry VIII."