Thursday, August 19, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Legally Blonde

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Elle: "Tonight's the night! My boyfriend Warner's gonna propose."

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Warner: "Elle. We're breaking up. If I'm gonna be a senator by the time I'm thirty, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn."

Elle: "But I'm not a Marilyn! I'm a Lauren Hutton! Or a Grace Kelly, if you squint."

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Elle: "Hand me my camcorder and my skimpiest bikini. I'm going to Harvard Law, too, to win back the love of my life!"

Sadako: "While you're in the jacuzzi, are you sure you don't just want to wash that man out of your hair?"

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Professor Stromwell: "Ms. Woods, not doing the reading is unacceptable. Now either show up prepared next time or go home to Orange County and wait for Slade Smiley to become available."

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Elle: "Sob."

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Professor Cromwell: "What kind of client would you rather have, Ms. Woods? One who has committed a crime malum in se or malum prohibitum?"

Elle: "I'd rather have a client who was innocent."

Professor Cromwell: "Well, isn't that cute. BUT IT'S WRONG!"

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Warner: "Hi, Elle. This is my fiancee, Vivian."

Vivian: "Sorry, Elle. You can't play any of our law school games. We're having a party, though. It's a...um, er...ah, a costume party."

Elle: "Okay!"



Enid: "So you see, semester is sexist, and it should be called ovester. Damned patriarchy."

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Elle: "Hi everyone!"

Enid: "...Why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?"

Sadako: "Why are you wearing that stupid stereotyped manhating feminist get up?"

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Vivian: "Maybe there's, like, a sorority you could, um, rush instead?"

Elle: "You know, if you guys had come to a rush party, I would have at least been nice to you before gossiping about your lack of extensions or melon sized breasts. Forget it. I'm going to be a serious law student now."

Sadako: "Time for ugly knit caps, unflattering argyle sweaters, demure stud earrings, and an occasional law book or two."

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Professor Callahan: "Congrats to everyone who applied for my four internship positions. But this year, we'll be focusing primarily on Elle, Vivian, Warner, and Enid. This here is Emmett, an attractive and accomplished associate in my firm who's inexplicably single. Now, you guys will be working on some tax law research for me. Nothing fancy, but it'll be a good background for those of you who opt to work in that area."

All: "..."

Professor Callahan: "I'm joking of course. No one wants to watch that. It's a murder case. Brooke Windham, trophy wife, stands accused of murdering her rich older husband. The twist is that she's rich, too."

Elle: "Brooke? I knew her! She's not a gold digger, she's pioneered her own line of exercise tapes. She's like the Jane Fonda of our generation but she doesn't make American soldiers wonder if they're being unpatriotic by owning pin up posters of her!"

Emmett: "Brooke says she didn't do it, but won't tell us what she was doing during the murder. Can you find out what her alibi is?"

Elle: "Yes, but I'm not telling."

Professor Callahan: "Dammit, Elle, it's either this or the We both reached for the gun defense."

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Elle: "Hi, Paulette. I got an internship and I've got the I'm a cute lil first year law school student look down. Okay, let's get your dog back from your mean ex."

Sadako: "I hate this B-plot, but it's light years ahead of the Elle Woods learns immigration law to get her Korean manicurist played by Lucy Liu a green card plot that I suspect was originally written in."

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Professor Callahan: "Today we're going to cross examine the pool boy, an important witness."

Elle: "Professor! Professor! I found out something important."

Emmett: "Did you pull some background cases from Lexis Nexis like we asked you to?"

Elle: "No, better! I've got Cosmo! The pool boy recognized my shoes! He's gay! He couldn't have been Brooke's lover."

Professor Callahan: "Elle, I'm impressed. What you did today showed guts. But how far are you willing to go to become a lawyer?"

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Elle: "Are you hitting on me?"

Professor Callahan: "You're a beautiful girl, Elle. Now come here and let me stroke your hair while I tell you about the first time I used the Chewbacca defense."

Elle: "This is sexual harassment, and I'm going to put up with it, quit law school, run to the beauty parlor, and head home to the west coast to start my own line of handbags for lap dog owners."

Professor Stromwell: "If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life, then you're not the girl I thought you were."

Sadako: "It's Professor Stromwell and she got a new hairdo so the audience can now safely relate to her!"

Professor Stromwell: "Remember, Elle. Stand up for yourself. Never forget your copy of Blackstone's Commentaries. And always exfoliate!"

Professor Callahan: "What is going on in here?"

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Brooke Windam: "Away with you, Perry Mason. I'm hiring Elle."



Judge: "I'm going to allow this."

Elle: "So...Chutney. You got home from getting a perm, took a shower, so you didn't hear the gun go off...wait a minute. I didn't spend an entire semester writing a term paper on Stacey McGill's fashion sense for nothing! You can't wash your hair right after a perm."

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Chutney: "Okay, I did it. I didn't mean to shoot him. I thought it was Brooke walking through the door."

Gloria Allred: "Chutney, is anyone representing you? You're clearly a victim of patriarchy, a sexist society, and parents who shouldn't be allowed near the ethnic section of the Big Book of Baby Names without adult supervision."

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Elle: "Remember, girls. Being smart and capable doesn't mean we can put down the push up bra and the Clairol!"