Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Disney's the Little Mermaid

Hey guys. Before I get into today's post, please check out my guest post on the Secret Society of List Addicts.


Ariel: "Daddy? Can I have three hundred sand dollars? I need a new dingle hopper for my collection."

King Triton: "Ariel, as king of the ocean and some of the larger lakes, I forbid you from indulging in your weird human obsession. We hate humans! And frankly, it's getting a little creepy. You're borderline otaku."


Ariel: "But Daaaaddy!"


Sebastian: "Teenagers."

King Triton: "Sebastian, you're quite right. Watch over her."

Sebastian: "Me?! But I've got work to do--spending time on my music and on trying to out stereotype Peter Pan, Lady and de Tramp, and Song of de South!"

Ariel: "Come on, guys, let's swim up to the surface and crash that ship party."


Eric: "The right girl's just not out there for me. Not yet."


Ariel: "I've got to rescue him!"

Eric: "Who was that sea shelled girl anyway? I've got to find her."


Ariel: "I'm in love! Come on, Flounder, let's go see Eric again!"

Sebastian: "You don't want to deal with humans. Let's sing a song explaining why! Darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me."

Sadako: "Sebastian, please don't go there."

Michael Eisner: "Did you produce an impure joke, cartoon, or thought about a Disney character? Did you? Lawsuit!"

Sadako: "So I should probably stop thinking about Triton's uncovered sand dollar sized nipples."


Flounder: "How do you like the life sized Eric statue I found you, Ariel? Don't you think I have a shrine devoted to you and your entire species will make a great ice breaker when you see him again?"


Triton: "Stand aside, Ariel! I'm getting rid of your collection once and for all!"

Ariel: "Daddy, no! You took them out of their original packaging! They're worthless to me now! That's it. The sea-witch is my only hope."

Ursula: "Sure I'll give you legs. You'll have three days to make the Prince kiss you. And it's gotta be the kiss of true love. Spin the bottle and seven minutes below deck kisses don't count. If you don't, you get to be a lost soul. And as for payment, I'll need your voice, thanks."

Ariel: "But without my voice, how can I--"


Ursula: "You'll have your looks. Your pretty face. And don't underestimate the importance of body language!"

Sadako: "So, Ursula, it's you I have to blame for oversexed preteens, not Patsy Ramsey or the producers of Toddlers and Tiaras?"


Scuttle: "You know, there's something different about you, Ariel. Is it new seashells?"

Zazu: "Scuttle, you live to indulge the birdbrained stereotype, don't you? You're the most offensive bird since the unpleasant Dumbo (Jim) crows."


Eric: "Wow. You look just like the girl who rescued me and sang to me. She's got Margaret Keane inspired eyes that take up 3/5 of her face, hair extensions that don't fail when wet, and a waist the width of my bicep despite having twice the lung capacity of an average opera singer. What's that? You can't speak? Oh, then you can't be her. Well. Want to move into my palace with me while I wait for my true love?"

Ariel: "..."

Eric: "I'll take that as a yes. I'll show you around the kingdom."


Sebastian: "Yes, you know you want her, Look at her you know you do, Possible she wants you too, There is one way to ask her, It don't take a word, Go on and kiss de girl!"

Jezebel.com: "Um. Hello? Lack of informed consent? Rape culture, anyone? So not okay."

Eric: "Whoa. That was a close one. Can't do any kissing now that we're all wet with our clothes clinging to us!"


Ursula: "Time for plan brainwashed ninny. My name's Vanessa. Want to marry me? My dowry consists of two eels and a great collection of mollusk foundation garments."

Eric: "Yes."

Scuttle: "ARIEL! The prince is marrying the sea witch in disguise! Conveniently, the wedding's on a ship."

Sebastian: "Come on, Ariel. Swim to the wedding and throw yourself at your mon. Scuttle, stall dat wedding! Point out de priest's suspiciously protruding knee if you hoff to!"


*voice locket breaks*

Eric: "Ariel? You can talk?"

Ariel: "Eric..."

Ursula: "Ha! The sun went down. Poor little princess."

King Triton: "What is the meaning of this?"

Ariel: "Daddy, I'm sorry! I didn't know pretty people had to read a contract before signing it!"

Ursula: "It's not you I'm after. King Triton, I'll give her back to you in exchange for you becoming a poor unfortunate soul and me taking over your kingdom."

Sadako: "Aw. He looks like the sea monkeys I was promised when I was eight."

L. Ron Hubbard: "No, he looks like a brainwashed alien soul. My theory is complete!"


Ursula: "So much for true love!"

Eric: "Take that, Ursula! Your contract and attention to legal detail is no match for love! Or a really big ship."

Sadako: "And take that, concept of contractual law!"

Ariel: "I have my voice and the guy I like loves me and somehow no one's mad that I almost destroyed the entire ocean. But still. I wish I had legs."

King Triton: "I just can't say no to my daughter."

Cesar Milan: "Rules, boundaries, and limitations, King Triton!"

King Triton: "Ariel, if it'll make you happy, you can have legs."

Ariel: "You mean it, Daddy? And long shapely legs, right? Not dumpy varicose veined ones? Oh, Daddy!"


Eric: "Er, King Triton, er...Dad? Will you be donning a shirt to any of the future family events you attend?"