Thursday, September 2, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Charlotte's Web

Fern: "What's Papa doing with that axe?"

Mrs. Arable: "Some piglets were born last night, and one of them is a runt. Your father's going to do away with it."

Sadako: "I guess telling her you're going to send it to live on a farm isn't an option when you already live on a farm."

Fern: "Papa, no! It isn't fair! You can't kill him just because he's smaller than the others!"

Sadako: "Yeah! He should have the opportunity to grow plump and juicy and then get slaughtered, like his siblings!"

Mr. Arable: "OK, Fern, you've convinced me. You can take care of the pig. But I draw the line at letting you carry him around to award shows in a designer purse."

Fern: "Oh, Papa! I'll name him Wilbur, after my favorite Wright brother."

Mr. Arable: "All right, Fern. You've had your fun raising a baby pig. But carting him around in a baby carriage and letting him eat at the table is starting to get creepy and frankly, we're not raising a porcine version of Bubbles the Chimp. We're going to sell Wilbur down the road to Uncle Homer."

Fern: *sniff* "Goodbye, Wilbur! Goodbye!"

Wilbur: "I miss Fern. Want to play with me?"

Lamb: "May I, Papa?"

Old Ram: "Certainly not. We're of a higher status. Sheep are held in high regard on Zuckerman's farm. We provide Zuckerman with wool. With pigs on the other hand, it's just a matter of time till you're fat enough to kill."

Wilbur: "Is it true what the old sheep says?!"

Goose: "It's a nasty, asty trick, but it's true."

Sadako: "I guess no one told these guys about lamb chops or foie gras."

Wilbur: "I don't want to die!"

Charlotte: "Hello. My name is Charlotte A. Cavatica, and I'm going to save your life. I've been watching you, and I like you, and anyway, I need a good histrionic, childlike foil for my calm, soothing Julie Andrews-esque persona."

Wilbur: "I like you, Charlotte."

Fly: *buzz*

Charlotte: "Oops. Hold that thought. Circle of life time."

Wilbur: *shudder*

Charlotte: "It's easy for you. You get your food in a pail. Anyway, spiders are very useful."

Wilbur: "Maybe I'll try spinning a web!"

Sadako: "Hmm. The not so mysterious origins of Spider-Pig."

Narrator: "Wilbur looked forward to a visit each day from Fern. All the animals trusted her because she was quiet and friendly. And they felt comfortable enough around her to break into well choreographed song and dance routines every once in a while."

Charlotte: "Everybody! Gather round. The goose has just hatched seven goslings."

Old Ram: "Ew. That one's a runt."

Goose: "That's Jeffrey, effrey, effrey."

Wilbur: "I'll be your friend, Jeffrey. I was a runt, too, but I turned out fine!"

Charles Darwin: "Why are you creatures so intent on disproving my life's work?"

Wilbur: "'Cause we've got lots in common where it really counts, where it really counts!"

Calf: "You'll be pork and I'll be veal, but the both of us will make a meal, 'cause we've got lots in common..."

Mr. Arable: "Well, Fern, what did you do yesterday?"

Fern: "I went to the barnyard. The goose's eggs hatched and one of them was a dud and she gave it to Templeton. None of us like him much because he's a sneaky rat."

Sadako: "Plus, the open mindedness gained from the aftermath of the Stonewall riots and the first Gay Liberation Day March hasn't yet made it to the barnyard set."

Wilbur: "So...Charlotte, you think you could go ahead and work on a plan to save my life?"

Charlotte: "I've got it. I'm going to play a little trick on Farmer Zuckerman. People will believe anything they read in print."

James Frey: "Nice try, sister. You better hope no one on this farm's got a good factchecker."

Lurvy: "Suh...p-p....s-s-uh...SOME PIG?! Mr. Zuckerman, take a look at this! It's a miracle!"

Mr. Zuckerman: "Well, look at that. Let's tell all our friends. It's way weirder than the two headed calf the Millers have."

Charlotte: "Everybody, gather round for an editors' meeting. I need ideas for a new word for the web, and I'm too small to use Roget's Thesaurus. Ideas?"

Old Ram: "Pig Supreme?"

Charlotte: "No."

Templeton: "Crunchy?"

Charlotte: "No."

Cow: "Mmm, mmm, that's good eating?"

Charlotte: "NO! Templeton, why don't you run to the dump and find some interesting words?"

Templeton: "What's in it for me?"

Goose: "If Wilbur dies, then his trough will stand empty and you'll die of starvation!"

Templeton: "Well...since I'm incapable of finding another barn or poaching feed from any of the cows or chickens who are watching their weight, I'll help out."

Mr. Zuckerman: "Everybody! This here pig's special. I'm gonna take him to the state fair so he can win prizes! Also, so I can check out the lawn mower focus group."

Perez Hilton: "Wow. If writing nice things about people can bring them this much attention, just think how much attention writing SLUT, WHORE, and BITCH and photoshopping cum stains onto starlets' mouths will bring me!"

Wilbur: "Will you come to the fair, too, Charlotte?"

Charlotte: "I'll try. But I've got a lot of work to do. I'm going to lay an egg sac."

Wilbur: "I didn't know you could lay eggs."

Charlotte: "Oh yes. Spiders are very versatile."

Sadako: "But they're not asexual, so when and with whom have you been steppin' out, Char? Anyway, don't tell the kid about the female spider eating the male after mating--if he was this horrified by spider eating habits, imagine how he'd feel about spider S&M.""

Wilbur: "I do hope you can come to the fair!"

Charlotte: "Let's put it this way. I'll come to the fair if I can. There's so much to do and very little time...How very special are we/for just a moment to be..."

Sadako: "Could you cough and look faint so we can make it a I'm dying soon foreshadowing trifecta?"

Charlotte: "Templeton, I'd like you to come, too. I'll need someone to fetch words for me, and there isn't yet an overabundance of kids earning liberal arts degrees to hire as assistants."

Templeton: "No way. Why would I want to go to a fair?"

Goose: "Because! A fair is a veritable smorgasboard, orgasbord! Lots of popcorn, apple cores. And other effeminate rodents, maybe a bicurious squirrel."

Templeton: "I'm there!"

Narrator: "The day of the fair dawned..."

All: "That's Zuckerman's pig! He's some pig! That pig's terrific!"

Sadako: "So this is who got the paparazzi's attention before Snooki and the Real Housewives took up the lion's share of the D-list."

Avery: "Uncle Homer, look! That other pig won first prize already."

Fern: "Oh no! Poor Wilbur!"

Uncle Homer: "Now hold on. It's a barbershop quartet to the rescue."

Barbershop Quartet: "Sooey, what do you see? The greatest hog in history, fine swine--"

Babe: "Greatest hog? Um. I think you've overlooking an obvious choice here."

Judge: "We're awarding you an honorable mention, a medal made from 45% bronze, and a gift certificate for Tractors R Us!"

Mr. Zuckerman: "This pig is going to live to a ripe old age. I'll have to find something else around the barnyard to slaughter for Christmas dinner!"

Wilbur: "Won't it be great to go back to the barn with the sassy but lovable goose, the ill tempered but predictable old ram, and the rest of the gang?"

Charlotte: "I won't be going back to the barn, Wilbur. I'm dying."

Wilbur: "Why does everything bad always happen to me?! Templeton. TEMPLETON! I want you to go up there and take Charlotte's egg sac down."

Charlotte: "How very special are we..."

Wilbur: "Charlotte...Charlotte!"

*months pass, egg sac hatches*

Wilbur: "Hello, there--what are you doing?!"

Spiders: "Goodbye! Goodbye! We're moving out on our own. Cut the umbilical already, Dad, we want to spin our own webs and have lives of our own! We'll write, OK?"

Wilbur: "Children! I didn't even have a chance to pass my neuroses onto them."

Old Ram: "There are three little runts up there that couldn't fly away."

Sadako: "I'm sensing a theme here."

Wilbur: "You can live in the barn and not have to worry about moving out or being independent for the rest of your lives! And I'll have someone to smother, Jewish mother style!"