Monday, September 6, 2010

Where Are They Now: Real Housewives NJ

Have we all been watching the Jersey Housewives? I think we have, even if we don't want to admit it. (Don't worry. I'll be your beard in all things pop cultural. If anyone asks, you're here for a Legally Blonde recap and some BSC snark, really.)

So, onto the housewives. We all know that the little Animal House esque captions they show in the season finale don't tell the whole truth. Here's what really became of them.

Caroline Manzo. Poor Caroline. This season, she's spent most of the time dealing with empty McMansion syndrome. But never fear, Caroline, there's still work to be done with your eldest!

Remember when Carmela Soprano took herself down to Joan Cusamano's law office with a ricotta pie and a smile to strongarm the Georgetown alum into writing a recommendation for little Meadow? I see a similar thing happening somewhere in the Caribbean to ensure that Albie gets into a fourth tier law school. Except I'm not sure that bringing homemade chicken cacciatore and namedropping Bernie Kerik works at St. Bart's U.

Albie Manzo. Speaking of the eldest, I do feel bad for him. He's spent his whole time thinking he was going to be the Tom Hagen of the Manzo family and assuming that Christopher was a shoo in for the Fredo spot. What's left for him?

Collaborating with Milton Bradley for the board game version of the Ham Game, of course!

Dina Manzo. Compared with the rest of the gang, Dina comes off as a pretty classy broad. But becoming the next Sharon Osbourne of Reality TV doesn't work so well if your husband and daughter aren't participating.

And now that Dina herself has withdrawn, what's left for her? However, I think that Dina has something up her sleeve. Yup. Grandma Wrinkles.

Remember Mr. Winkle? The dog that published its own book and even managed to upstage Carrie Bradshaw at a book reading? Grandma Wrinkles could be the feline version. Because, let's face it--even though cats are big nowadays, what with the slice of life humor provided by lolcats and the shock value of cats that look like Hitler, no individual cat has stepped up to inspire us. Dina and Grandma Wrinkles--you guys can fill that void!

Teresa Giudice. Now that she's $11 million in the hole, Teresa's going to have to learn to cut back and yet still manage to bring in some cash.

Teresa apparently has already put out her own line of clothing, in addition to writing Skinny Italian. But with budget cutbacks, I foresee Teresa making some adjustments to her line of sparkly clothes. Her latest design ware tools: a bedazzler and some Hanes undershirts.

Joe Giudice. Poor Joe. Between the DUI, the shady financial history, and the rumors that he's been stepping out, possibly with Real OC Housewive Tamra, I think he'll be spending some time as a guest of the state in New Jersey.

And I foresee some really scary visiting day scenes.

Teresa: "I saw Tamra's name on the register--

Joe: "I can't control who visits me, Tree."

Teresa: "Let her sneak you in marinara sauce that she made in the driveway, Joe. Go on, enjoy sauce that someone accidentally made during their time of the month."

Joe: "Tree, come on."

Teresa: "Let her do it, Joe. Let her stay up all night writing to Andy Cohen to get Bravo to authorize a Lifestyles of Overdrawn and Infamous spin off for us. Let her do it!"

Jacqueline Laurita. Jacqueline will make reality show headlines by being the first parent to call in Nanny 911 for a child who's over the age of 18. (But you guys have seen Ashley. Can you blame her?)

Nannies Deb, Jo, and Stella will focus on time outs for negative behavior like hair pulling and positive reinforcement (i.e., more knit caps) for positive behavior, like not crashing the new SUV. I fully expect that Simon and Alex Van Kempen will request that Jacqueline write the preface to their latest childrearing book.

Ashley Holmes. Ashley spent most of this season feuding with Danielle, both on Facebook and in real life. When we last saw her, she had to pay a small fine to Danielle for yanking out her weave. She was also threatening to countersue Danielle for lying about the circumstances of said weave yank. Where is she now?

Working hard with aspiring law student Albie to file a suit against Mark Zuckerberg for providing an environment for her and Danielle to spar. (And licking her wounds due to being the only professional victim turned down by Gloria Allred.)

Danielle Staub. Ah, Danielle. Too screwed up for even a Growing up Gotti esque Bravo spin off. Not trendy enough for sex tape mania to catapult her to greatness. Danielle has spent most of the season pointing to Christine, and occasionally Jillian, and saying, "I gave birth to that. That came out of me!" in a tone of voice I usually reserve for extra large menstrual clots.

When Christine and Jillian sue for emancipation (you know it'll happen sooner or later), I see Danielle starting a support group for totally awesome parents whose ungrateful kids don't appreciate them. (To be co founded by Dina Lohan and Lynn Spears.)