Thursday, September 23, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Disney's Bambi

In honor of Sadako's birthday today, I bring you a movie featuring the birth of another extremely cute animal: Bambi!

Thumper: "He's here! The new prince is born!"


Owl: "Welcome to the forest, little one."

Bambi's Mother: "Hello, everyone. I just finished with the afterbirth. Would anyone like a bit of placenta?"

Thumper: "Kinda wobbly, isn't he?"

Thumper's Mother: "Thumper! What did your father tell you this morning?"

Thumper: "If you don't have anything saccharine sweet to say, you can leave Disney and go be a bit player in a Tex Avery cartoon."

Bambi: "Flower! Pretty, pretty flower!"

Flower: "No one except for the mystery van of stoned teenagers who come to the woods to smoke up every weekend ever called me that before!"

Bambi's Mother: "We're going to the meadow now, Bambi."

Bambi: "Yay! The meadow!"

Bambi's Mother: "No, Bambi! Do you want to end up as an accessory on Norman Bates's end table? We must go out slowly. I'll go out first. All right, Bambi, it's safe!"

Faline: "Hi, I'm a mindless girl! Let's play!"

Bambi: "?!"

Faline: "He's shy, isn't he, Mama?"

Faline's Mother: "Well, maybe your chances of marrying into royalty would increase if you said hello, Faline."

Bambi: "Yuch."

Bambi's Father, Prince of the Forest: "Hm. That'll do, fawn."

Bambi: "He stopped and looked at me, Mother. Why was everyone still when he came on the meadow?"

Bambi's Mother: "Everyone respects him. He's very brave and very wise. That's why he is known as the Great Prince of the Forest, and why I don't complain that he's never once taken custody of you for a single weekend and why I only receive child support checks every other month."

Bambi: "Wow."

Bambi's Mother: "Bambi. Danger. RUN!"

Bambi: "We made it, Mother! Mother? Mother?"

Bambi's Father: "Your mother can't be with you anymore. I'll take on the duty of raising you. It'll be like Three Men and a Little Baby meets Two and a Half Men meets National Geographic."

Owl: "Bambi, Thumper, Flower! You're all grown up! Now, let me teach you guys about the battle of the sexes. Male animals are perfectly rational and happy until females come along and bewitch them."

Bambi: "It won't happen to us!"

Flower: "Yeah--oh my god. Did you guys get a look at the scent glands on that specimen? Sorry, guys. I'm out."

Bambi: "Yeah, well. We're still Masters of our Domain. Come on, Thumper. Thumper?"

Thumper: "!?!?!"

Sadako: "I don't know, Thumper. I think going after a heavily made up rabbit is a self hating move. Do you know how many lab rabbits died testing mascara, eyeliner, and lipstick?"

Faline: "Hello, Bambi."

Bambi: "Her girlish laugh, her helplessness, her prehensile tongue. I'm in love! Faline, you want to go back to the little place I've got near the old oak tree?"

Faline: "Sure."

Bambi: "Mmm. What's that smoke?"

Bambi's Father: "Man is in the forest again. We must go."

Bambi: "Now? Seriously? It's a really bad time, Dad..."

Feline: *waking up* "Bambi? Bambi? Oh, Feline. You sure can pick them."

Bambi: "Faline! Don't try to fight back! Cower while I take on all the dogs. Ow..."

Bambi's Father: "Get up, Bambi. GET UP. You MUST get up."

Bambi: "Now you start with the parenting? You don't even talk to me till Mom dies, you leave the sex talk to an owl, and you couldn't even toss the pigskin around with me once?"

Faline: "Bambi! You made it!"

*The gestational period of a fawn later*

Raccoon: "Look! Two of them!"

Rabbit: "Well, that's the only way they could've topped last year's cute birth."

Owl: "Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud."

Bambi: "Parenting sure is hard, Dad."

Bambi's Father: "It sure is, son. It sure is."