Monday, September 27, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Psycho

Marion Crane: "I hate lounging around in these seedy motels on my lunch break, Sam. Why can't we get married and wear flannel nightclothes in our double beds that are a chaste six feet apart?"

Sam Loomis: "I've got to pay off the alimony to my ex-wife."

Marion's boss: "Marion, take this forty grand to the bank. Oh, and then drop off my cute sad eyed beagle puppies without petting them or squeeing."

Marion: "A chance at a better life!"

Rod Serling: "And inspiration for my newest episode: The Hitchhiker!"

Marion: "Excuse me, do you have any vacancies?"

Norman Bates: "We have twelve rooms and twelve vacancies."

Marion: "It's 1960 and I'm female which means that I have the math skills of a young chimp. Is that a yes or a no?"

Norman Bates: "Want to have dinner with me?"

Mother: "NO! I tell you no! I won't have you bringing in young girls for supper."

Norman: "Mother, she's just a stranger who happens to have breasts and a smooth, supple ass. I mean...Uh."

Mother: "As if men don't desire strangers!"

Carrie White's Mother, Mrs. White: "I'd love to form a support group for parents of bad seeds if you're not busy later."

Marion: "I've caused you some trouble."

Norman: "Well, let's eat. You eat like a bird."

Sadako: "And if the eHarmony profile she filled out specified enjoys eating habits being scrutinized, you'd be in luck, Norman."

Marion: "You'd know, of course."

Norman: "Anyway, I hear the expression eats a bird is a f-falsity because birds eat a lot. But I don't know anything about birds. My hobby is stuffing them--taxidermy. Don't you just love that new formaldehyde smell?"

Sadako: "Oh, Norman, poor Norman. If you can just hold on a few decades till Michael Cera and a crew of unwashed hipsters turn haltingly awkward speech into a mating call."

Marion: "Maybe they could put your mother away somewhere. Like into one of the less urine soaked nursing homes."

Norman: "Put her away somewhere?! Like in a madhouse?! Don't you know--a boy's best friend is his mother!"

Marion: "Well, the food and heavy handed foreshadowing has been nice, but I'd better be going to bed."

Norman: "I'll bring you breakfast! What time?"

Marion: "Um. My good manners and breeding prevent me from telling you how creepy you are, so I'll just say that I'm waking up early, to go home and step out of a trap I got into."

Marion: *undresses*

Norman: "Oh...yeah."

Sadako: "I'm starting to think that Chat Roulette is a social service on par with food stamps and Medicare."

Marion: "AAH!"

Norman: "Mother? Blood! Blood! Not again."

Lila: "Sam? I'm Lila, Marion's sister, and as soon as I heard she was missing, I came straight from Mr. Hitchcock's House of Statuesque Blondes to find you."

Sam: "She's missing?"

Milton Arbogast: "Hello. I'm Milton Arbogast, private investigator. Turns out your girlfriend stole forty thousand dollars from her boss. Now, he doesn't want to prosecute. He just wants the money back."

Bernie Madoff: "He sounds like good people."

Arbogast: "I'm going to do a little detective work and see what I can come up with."

Norman: "Can I help you?"

Arbogast: "Hello there, friend. I'm looking for a girl--name of Marion Crane. Has she been by?"

Norman: "I wasn't staring at her dirty pillows! I mean...what girl, who?"

Arbogast: "I see. Now, you wouldn't be hiding this girl, would you? If she wanted you to gallantly protect her, you'd know you were being made a fool of, right?"

Norman: "But I'm not capable of being made a fool! Not even by a woman! Or one of the more convincing transvestites!"

Arbogast: "Well--

Norman: "Let's say she may have fooled me but she didn't fool my mother."

Arbogast: "Can I meet your mother?"

Norman: "No."

Arbogast: "Oh Mrs. Bates--ah! Oh well, maybe in death I'll live on as a namesake for a future slasher film character."

John Carpenter: "Sorry, Loomis has fewer syllables than Arbogast."

Sam: "Sheriff, we don't know what to do. Our PI was going to talk to Norman's mother, but--"

Sheriff: "Norman's mother? Norman's mother's been dead and buried for the past twenty years."

Sam: "Well. We sure didn't see that twist coming."

M. Night Shyamalan: "Now that's how you make a movie."

Lila: "Sam, we're going to register at the Bates motel as man and wife. You keep Norman busy and I'll investigate."

Sam: "Sending a vulnerable but spunky young girl in to investigate a potentially dangerous situation? Won't they revoke my man card for this?"

Jamie Lee Curtis: "Quiet, you, my future status as a Final Girl and Scream Queen hinge on this poor decision!"

Sam: " come here often?"

Norman: "Where's that girl you came here with?"

Lila: "Ooh. Norman's room? Toys for a grown man? Creepy."

Comic Book Guy: "We prefer to call them collectibles."

Lila: "Mrs. Bates? Mrs. Bates?"

Mrs. Bates: "...."

Lila: "Mrs.--AH!"

Norman: "Heeeere's Mother!"

Sadako: "Oh, honey, that haphazard wig and hastily smeared on blush may pass for cross dressing in rural America, but you'd be kicked off Priscilla Queen of the Desert halfway through the outback for improper attire and make up application."

Dr. Richmond, Psychiatrist: "So, you see, Lila, Sam, Sheriff Chambers, the District Attorney, and the slower members of the audience. Norman killed his mother and her lover and then as a result of the guilt developed a split personality."

Sadako: "And as a result of Norman Bates, film directors everywhere confused originality with revealing that a character suffers from multiple personalities."

Norman: They're probably watching me. Well, let them. They'll see. I'm not even going to swat that fly. They'll say, why she wouldn't even swat a fly. Even if it is one of the more promiscuous species of fly.