Monday, September 20, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Sex and the City

Carrie: "Once upon a time, there were four independent women who wanted to live life on their own terms. One of us moved out of Manhattan to Brooklyn to be with the guy she loved. One gave up promiscuity to spend time out in LA with her boyfriend. And the other gave up her WASP-y heritage in favor of Judaism for a rich lawyer. And then, there was me."

Big: "I've got a good feeling about this place, kid."

Carrie: (voiceover) "Finding the perfect apartment in New York City is like finding the perfect partner. It can take years."

Realtor: "What do you think?"

Carrie: "It's perfect! But...can we afford it?"

Mr. Big: "I got it."

Carrie: "Ooh!"

Sadako: "Pick up the check at a restaurant, pay for a movie, and you can rock her world twice more tonight without even breaking out the KY."

Carrie: "Big bought me an apartment with a dreamhouse for my Jimmy Choos!"

Miranda: "But he'll own it. You are keeping your own place, right?"

Carrie: "I thought keeping my own name and the honorific Ms. was enough to prove my feminist credentials!"

Mr. Big: "So..."

Carrie: "If you break up with me again, I've got no protection. I could be out on the street, selling my shoes and jewelry."

Sadako: "Yeah. You might have to go back to supporting yourself one day."

Mr. Big: "So, we'll get married."

Carrie: "Yay!"

Enid: "Carrie, I'd like you for this Vogue issue. We're doing Style at Every Age."

Carrie: "Great, who am I interviewing?"

Enid: "No, no, you silly girl. No one in the audience wants to see you with your PowerBook--they want to see an average girl model and live vicariously through you. On with the wedding dresses!"

Carrie: "Just your typical Wednesday. Breakfast with Vera Wang. Coffee with Caroline Herrera. Appetizers with Oscar De La Renta..."

Sadako: "Pat Fields is trying really hard to recreate the magic of raiding the Vogue closet in Devil Wears Prada, eh?"

Steve: "Miranda. I had sex with someone else. It's been a long time, and well--"

Miranda: "I'm sorry, do you have me confused with an insecure, postage stamp skirt wearing lawyer from a David E. Kelley drama? I'm out of here."

Carrie: "This wedding's going to be perfect. Getting married in Vivienne Westwood says I'm still fashionable, having it at the New York Public Library says I'm still literary, and having 200 of my closest friends and family members means that I'm more socially relevant than a Cosmopolitan."

Mr. Big: "Carrie, don't you think this is getting out of hand? The NY Post, 200 people..."

Carrie: "Big. This is my wedding. If you don't let me have a ceremony that is Bridezilla on steroids, I will go insane and I will take you with me. Come on, guys, let's go through my closet!"

Carrie: (voiceover) "It took four friends three days to put twenty years into twenty-eight boxes."

Sadako: "And it took one movie producer one five minute montage to trick hoards of mumu clad women in the Midwest that shoulder pads the size of tumors are in."

Mr. Big: "Miranda? Is everything okay?"

Miranda: "No. And if you get married, you're a moron."

Sadako: "So that's why white people have rehearsal dinners! To ruin their friends' shot at happiness."

Carrie: "Where's Big? It's my wedding day and the groom isn't here? Someone hand me a phone."

Mr. Big: "Carrie, I'm sorry. I had a few last minute jitters, and I'm five minutes late, but I'm here now--"

Carrie: "I was HUMILIATED!"

Aidan Shaw: "For some reason, I feel completely vindicated, and I have no idea why."

Carrie: "Don't you realize that only the person wearing Vivienne Westwood is allowed to have second thoughts about getting married?!"

Samantha: "The SATC girls are going to Mexico!"

Miranda: "I can't go to Mexico. I have a job, and a kid, and marital issues of my own."

Samantha: "How can you even think of that? We need to be there for her. This is the chick flick equivalent of getting raped and left for dead."

Carrie: "I've got to do something to pull me out of my little Mexicoma."

Samantha: "Oh, honey. You made a little joke. You're a little closer to the delusion that you're the feminist 21st century version of Oscar Wilde. Good for you!"

Miranda: "Good news. We can get your apartment back. They're selling it back to you at the escalated price."

Samantha: "Now let's work on getting your closet of Manolos back there."

Carrie: "You two could rule the world."

Sadako: "We could have a universe where every woman who is the victim of sexual harassment, female genital mutilation, or the double standard has access to a rent controlled apartment full of designer shoes."

Carrie: "Back at home, greeted by wedding gifts and a scary inbox of e-mails, there was no better time to try to get a little closer to emulating Anna Wintour: by hiring a personal assistant. So, Louise from St. Louis, why should I hire you?"

Louise: "Because, one, I can smile and pretend you calling me Louise from St. Louis passes for wit, two, I'm a person of color and of curves rolled into one token minority, and, three, I'll do a song on the soundtrack for half the price of Beyonce."

Carrie: "Why'd you come to New York?"

Louise: "Well, I know it's cliched, but to find love. See? It's the objective on the top of my resume."

Sadako: "Admitting to your employer that you're going to quit at the drop of a hat if the right guy comes along. Now that's what I call feminism."

Charlotte: "Oh my god. I'm pregnant. I'm finally pregnant!"

Carrie: "Sweetie, that's great."

Charlotte: "Anyone want to take my Oriental consolation prize off my hands? Carrie, you look lonely."

Carrie: "It was my fault Big left me. I'm so self centered. In the vows I wrote, he only appeared as a footnote on page two."

Miranda: "Um, at the rehearsal dinner, I sort of told Big that the institution of marriage was meaningless. Do you think it was my fault?"

Carrie: "You ruined my marriage?!"

Natasha, Big's Ex: "Mmm. They're right. It is a dish best served cold."

Carrie: "You know, you can't stand me being mad at me for three days, but you won't give Steve a chance after six months."

Miranda: "You're right. Steve, let's do this again."

Carrie: "And Miranda never looked back, except for the occasional night spent writing L.A. Law fanfic."

Samantha: "Hi, everyone. Did you ever think you'd see the day? Me, with a pooch?"

Carrie: "Um..."

Charlotte *cough* "Fat."

Miranda: "Do I invalidate my Gloria Steinem-esque persona by expecting a fifty year old woman to have the body of a teenager?"

Samantha: "You guys are right. I've been eating because I can't have sex with the random guys I meet. Monogamy is killing me!"

Sadako: "The ideal woman: tiny and ready for sex at the drop of a hat. Thanks, Darren Star."

Samantha: "Smith, honey, I have to tell you something."

Smith: "What?"

Michael Patrick King: "I've loved writing in gratuitous scenes where your ass is on display for no good reason, but I love having at least one single woman to write into improbable sexual scenarios for the entertainment of sex starved menopausal Midwestern women more. It's over."

Mr. Big: "Charlotte?"

Charlotte: "Uh oh. Leave me alone! Ow, my water broke!"

Mr. Big: "Let me give you a lift to the hospital."

Charlotte: "No! I don't need you to take me to the hospital because of what you did to Carrie! Also, am I supposed to call you John on the ride over, because that feels weird at this point, or Big, or Mr. Big, because that feels even more awkward."

Carrie: "Oh, Charlotte, your new baby is beautiful."

Charlotte: "Big gave me a ride to the hospital. My water broke when I was talking to him."

Harry: "Carrie, he asked me to tell you to call him. The guy is a wreck without you. He writes to you every day--"

Carrie: "Wait, I haven't gotten anything from him. Unless...the Internet! It's buried deep in one of the series of tubes! But what's the password?! Louise? Damn, she quit. Oh, I know! The password is love."

Sadako: "And that explains why 75% of the building's residents have managed to poach your password protected wireless."

Carrie: "Oh, Big!"

Sadako: "And because Big still didn't have the words, he plagiarized love letters from other rich and famous men."

Carrie: "Picking up my own checks and telling myself I'm buying myself a new La Perla thong for as a single gal isn't working out. I'll compromise. Next up: a low key wedding and pretending that you jerking me around for the last ten years don't bother me!"