TV in a Minute: Twilight Zone: The Bewitchin' Pool

Enjoy the latest Twilight Zone post, guys. And expect a Babysitters Club post coming up in the next couple of weeks.

Sport: "What do you thinks down in that there pool, Jeb?"



Jeb: "Water?"

Sport: "Silly. We're supposed to show the audience that our rich fantasy life is the only thing keeping us from feelin' bad about our divorcing parents."

Whitt: "Howdy! Come with me!"

Sport: "What is this place?"

Rod Serling: "I described it to the writers as the town of Willoughby but even more idyllic."

Jeb: "Gollee!"

Sport: "I wonder if all there was a hole in the bottom of our swimmin' pool."

Whitt: "Hahaha!"



Sport: "Why you--

Aunt T: "Now, now. There's no fightin' to be had here. Fightin' takes away from the energy you'll be needing for chores--I mean, for enjoying a parent free paradise. I'm Aunt T, the only grown up in this place."

Michael Jackson: "Would you be interested in networking? Your place could be a direct subsidiary of Neverland Ranch..."

Aunt T: "Whitt, you and Sport go off and settle your argument. Jeb, while those two are settling their little tiff, you can help me ice the the cake. My, my. You are very accomplished! Have you had much experience?"



Jeb: "No, ma'am, this is my first."

Aunt T: "Well, we'll just have to put you on cake duty. Though from the look of it, I'd also like to see you behind a shoeshine kit if I get the chance..."

Sport: "We're back."

Aunt T: "My, you children do seem serious. Why don't you laugh much?"

Patti Hearst: "Yeah, guys. Getting kidnapped from your family's no excuse for long faces. I regularly did Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce bits for the SLA gang before our raids."

Sport: "What's there to laugh at?"

Whit: "I got a riddle! What do you call someone who crosses the ocean twice and never takes a bath? A dirty double crosser!"

Sport: "...it's going to be a long eternity."

Aunt T: "I'll show you children your rooms and assign you to your chores! And if we have time, I'll measure your ankles and waists for the chains I'll be affixin' to the radiator."

Sport: "No. We have to go."

Jeb: "I wanna stay with Aunt T! Our inexplicable Southern accents and our predilection for going barefoot suddenly make sense when we're here."

Sport: "She's a kidnapper."

Aunt T: "Am not. I've been tempted to, hundreds of time, when I've seen children whose parents don't treat 'em right."

Sadako: "Yeah, I hate it when I see kids wearing shoes, living in upper middle class homes, and getting an education that goes beyond an old woman's homespun wisdom. Really burns me up."

Aunt T: "But I always resisted the temptation!"

Parents' voices: "Sport, Jeb? Come back here!"

Sport: "They're calling us."

Aunt T: "Those voices you hear calling...at first they seem quite strong. But if you ignore them, they go away after a while. And I've got Stockholm Syndrome for dummies if that don't work!"



Sport: "They're our parents and they love us!"



Aunt T: "If you say so..."

Sport: "Come on, Jeb. We cain't go back there ag'in."



Mother: "Sport, where is your brother? Get him. It's time for a chilling denouement to this episode, and I'm only doing it once."

Sport: "Jeb. Jeb?! He musta gone back to Aunt T!"

Jeb: "Aunt T? Why does their have to be chores?"



Aunt T: "Every child must have chores. It teaches him dignity of work and the joy of labor."

Bill Lumbergh: "Hmm. I like the sound of that. Hey, Peter, I'm gonna need you to learn a little bit more about the dignity of work this Saturday. Oh, and I'd like you to go ahead and experience the joy of labor."

Jeb: "Do all the children got holes in their swimming pools?"

Aunt T: "Oh, no. Some of them come down chimneys. Or you open a door and there they are. Sometimes you find them on streetcorners or on doorstops."

Sadako: "And sometimes you find them in Lindbergh cribs or in the basements of Boulder, Colorado homes owned by kiddie beauty pageant aficionados. And sometimes even in the bedrooms of Mormon girls."

Sport: "Jeb, we got to come back! Mama and Daddy have news."

Jeb: "Is it that we was switched at birth and that somewhere in Appalachia, there's a pair of WASPy kids in blazers and floral skirts wondering where their Connecticut parents are?"



Sport: "They aren't gonna yell and scream at each other anymore. And we're gonna take trips together. Everything's gonna be different. They're gonna love us."

Jeb: "But I want to stay with Aunt T!"

Aunt T: "Well, you best go back then. Whitt, get my headhunter on the line and see if he's got any more kids I could use. Tell him I'll settle for Red Chief if it's all he's got."

Sport: "Are you going to love us?"



Mrs. Sherwood: "No, we're getting a divorce. You want to live with me or that bum?"

Sport: "But what about the vacations?"

Mr. Sherwood: "You can watch me take a trip to the bank every month to sign over the alimony checks to that she-devil."

Mrs. Sherwood: "Now, choose. Who do you want to live with? Him or me?"

Jeb: *sniff*



Sport: "We choose....we choose...neither! Come on, Jeb, we got to get back to Aunt T! A demented old woman who depends on children to get her housework done is the best we can do family wise!"

Aunt T: "I'm glad you children decided to stay with Aunt T!"

TV in a Minute: Twilight Zone: Long Distance Call

Hey, guys. I did a guest post on Monday at the Secret Society of List Addicts about Manic Pixie Dream Girls. Check it out!

Now, on with the Twilight Zone. Here's Long Distance Call.

Grandma: "Happy birthday, Billy! Make a wish. Now whisper it into Grandma's ears! She's the only one who understands you!"

Sylvia: "Shouldn't we all hear the wish?"

Grandma: "No, it's a Grandma thing. Ah, my little Billy. He has given me new life."



Billy: "Why are you crying, Grandma?"

Grandma: "I won't be here with you for very long. Soon, I will be away."

Sadako: "Can I have your cameo brooch when you're gone? Next to owls, they're the next biggest thing in jewelry."

Billy: "Where will you be, Grandma?"

Chris: "So...who wants presents?"

Sadako: "Can't we play a rousing game of Where would Grandma most like to be buried first?"



Sylvia: "Come on, Billy. Your father and I have gotten all kinds of wonderful toys. perfect for a child of the early 60s. Your very own lil Martini maker. Some tin soldiers made from good old American lead paint. And a toy rifle, fit for shootin' Injuns or battlin' Commies."

Grandma: "Billy, come. I found an old telephone. Wouldn't you rather look at Grandma's present? You can talk to me whenever you want on this phone."



Billy: "Oh boy!"

Grandma: "..."

Chris: "What is it, Mother?"



Grandma: "Heavy handed music that signals that I'm on my deathbed."

Billy: "Don't be sick, Grandma!"



Rod Serling: "As must be obvious, this is a house hovered over by Mr. Death."

Sadako: "Which would probably happen a lot less often if you switched to Nicorette for your narrations, Rod."

Rod Serling: "In a moment, a child will try to cross that bridge that separates light and shadow. And of course, he must take that only known route: the Twilight Zone."



Doctor: "I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for your mother. You can see her if you like, but she won't recognize you."

Grandma: "Who are you?"

Chris: "I'm your son, Ma."

Grandma: "No. My son was taken away from me by a woman."

Mrs. Bates: "You've got to watch your kids like a hawk to make sure things like this don't happen."



Grandma: "This is my son now. Billy. Come with me, Billy. Just the two of us. Just you and..."

Billy: "Grandma!"



Chris: "Goodnight, sweet guilt tripper. May Livia Soprano and Livia Augusta sing you to your rest."

Sadako: "This makes that dreaded birthday where I got Malibu Barbie instead of Ballerina Barbie look like a walk in the park by comparison."

Sylvia: "Chris? It's Billy. I'm worried about him the last few days. He's wandering around in a daze since your mother died instead of joining me in a victory jig."

Chris: "I'm sure he'll be fine, dear."



Billy: "Yeah? Oh..."

Sylvia: "Who are you talking to on your toy phone, Billy?"



Billy: "Grandma. Can I come visit her?"

Sylvia: "..."

Sadako: "Sure, Billy. Right after your play date with Captain Howdy."

Babysitter: "Mr. and Mrs. Bayles?! Oh, thank goodness you're here."



Mr. Peterson: "While you were out at the funeral, your son ran right out into the road, right in front of my truck. When I asked him why he did it, he said someone told him to."

Sylvia: "Billy! Who are you talking to on that phone?! What's this about?!"

Billy: "Nobody!"

Sylvia: "Dammit!"



Chris: "Hmm. Better fix this. Seems I've misplaced my Dr. Spock. Uh, Billy, don't talk to Grandma in front of your mother. It freaks her out. Now that that pesky parenting's out of the way, time to join Rod for a martooni."

Billy: "What's that? Okay, Grandma. It'll be our little secret!"

Sylvia: "What the? Give me that. Oh...it's HER. Uh, where'd Billy go?"

Chris: "He's in the pond! No! Billy!"

Sylvia: *sob*

Chris: "Is he..."



Paramedic: "I'm afraid it doesn't look good. But the doctor will be here soon to give your wife a sedative. You should really keep Mother's Little Helper stocked in your medicine cabinet."



Chris: "Ma. Billy's only five. He hasn't lived. He hasn't been to school, had girlfriends, worn long pants. There's a whole world out there."

Sadako: "Just think. Billy will miss the advent of denim."

Chris: "If you really love Billy, give him back. Give him back, Ma! I know adjusting to the afterlife is hard, but try! Play Mah Jong! Join a living challenged bowling league! Become an afterlife caseworker! Just let Billy live!"

Paramedic: "I have no idea how we did it but Billy's going to be all right! It's a miracle!"

Happy 2nd Blogaversary To Me!

Happy Blogaversary, Dibbly Fresh! It's been two years since I started this blog.

So, what's happened since last year?

I've branched out and started snarking movies. And I like to think my blog posts had a far reaching effect. I took Jennifer Grey out of that corner and put her into the spotlight where she belonged. (With a little help from ABC.)

I predicted how much people would love to drop the word "Winklevi" into casual conversation.

I jumped on the trend of hating Sex and the City 2 a whole five months later.

And well before Spiderman: the Musical, I reminded people just how much fun taking musicals down a peg could be--whether they be snarked because they contain dancing cats in tight costumes or the most evil Ginger child ever conceived of or dangerously high levels of John Travolta.

I'm also particularly proud of my Disney spoofs (the Little Mermaid and the Lion King in particular).

But I'm not afraid to be humble. I also learned some very important lessons this year: from Goosebumps, the Babysitters Club (old Ann M. can still teach me quite a bit!), and from the Twilight Zone.

I also learned that I'm just as entertained by Full House and Boy Meets World when their entire seasons are reduced to a single blog post.

And let's not forget my wonderful encounter with ghostwriter Peter Lerangis.

I hope to make the next year even better. Check out this past year's posts and help yourself to some sheet cake while you're here.

TV in a Minute: Twilight Zone: Eye of the Beholder

Sorry for the long wait, folks. In honor of this past weekend's Twilight Zone-a-thon, I present: Eye of the Beholder, the first episode of the Twilight Zone that I ever saw.

Janet Tyler: "Well. Here I am. In for my final surgery that will determine whether or not I can be made to look like a normal member of society. It's pretty bad, isn't it, Nurse?"



Nurse: "I've seen worse."

Sadako: "I see this hospital actively recruits from the Nurse Ratched School of Proper Bedside Manner."

Janet Tyler: "I never really wanted to be beautiful. I never wanted to look like a painting or anything."

Sadako: "Though I'm sure Dogs Playing Poker must have cruelly taunted you every time you saw it."

Janet: "I just wanted people not to scream when they looked at me."

Nurse #2: "Have you seen patient 307?"

Nurse #1: "Indeed I have. If it were my face I'd bury myself in a grave. Want to gossip about the burn victim unit next and the slightly less cute babies in NICU?"



Rod Serling: "In a minute we'll see what's under those bandages, keeping in mind that we're not to be surprised by what we see under them. It could well be a three eyed Martian, a Crucible esque satire of Communism, the devil, or Hitler."



Doctor: "Frankly, your case has stumped us, Miss Tyler. Nothing we've done so far has helped. Shots, surgeries. Though there is the up and coming paper bag over the head technique coming in from the Middle East..."

Janet: "What happens if I haven't responded?"

Doctor: "This is your eleventh surgery. After this, you won't be permitted to have any more surgeries to make you normal. But there are alternatives. We could...just put you away somewhere."

Janet: "You mean a GHETTO!"

Doctor: "Miss Tyler, please! I worked hard on carefully crafting my euphemisms for you."



Janet: "It isn't fair! Who is the State to decide who's normal and who isn't! The State isn't GOD!"

Doctor: "Oh dear. Nurse, nurse? Bring sedatives."

Janet: "Take the bandages off! Take them off!"

Doctor: "Well, we were hoping to keep them on another couple days, maybe stretch out the suspense of this episode to an hour...but okay."

Nurse #1: "You look tired, Doctor."

Doctor: "I hadn't thought about it. I suppose I have been under some tension. Dealing with the ugly and all that. I've seen this woman's real face--her soul. It just makes me wonder if conformity is the answer."



Nurse #1: "Doctor? What are you saying?"

Doctor: "Sorry. We're barely at the twenty minute mark and I thought a long self reflective monologue was called for."

Nurse #1: "This case has upset your balance, your sense of values."

Doctor: "That, and working in a hospital where there are so many power outages."

Nurse #2: "Leader's speaking tonight. He goes on in just a few minutes. Hope it's Orwellian and not Vonnegut-esque tonight."



Sadako: "Flat-screen TVs. Well, Rod, you may not have been able to predict the future of artificial intelligence, time travel, or extraterrestrial life, but you got TV right."



Leader: "Tonight's fireside chat is on glorious conformity. As is the tradition, I'll be saving any close up or medium shots for the conclusion of my speech."

Ayn Rand: "No! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!"



Doctor: "Now, Miss Tyler, time to remove the bandages and reveal whether we'll accept you as one of us or whether you get to live out your life as the modern day equivalent of a leper. I'm going to have to ask that you remain calm."

Janet: "All right."

Doctor: "No change! No change at all! She's not bulldog esque. She's barely even spaniel like in appearance!"



Janet: "No! NO!"



Doctor: "Miss Tyler! Miss Tyler! Don't be afraid. This man, Walter Smith, is here to help you. I know he seems ugly to you now but he's going to go with you to a colony of other ug--er, beautifully challenged people."

Walter: "Just keep in mind one thing, Miss Tyler. An old, very old saying. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You'll come to realize that soon."

Sadako: "Sorry, Walter, I didn't quite get the overall point of this episode. Do you think you could be a little less subtle?"